I have been married for 4 yrs, of which 1 was spent as a seperated couple. However , even after getting back, we fight a lot- my husband abuses me verbally a lot, and sometimes gets physical. He slaps me and yanks me around. His justification is I won’t shut up, however the problem is he keeps poking until I burst out screaming and then he gets abusive. If i retaliate, then Its my fault. Somehow at the end of it I am called the “Abusive one”.

I dont to be in this state anymore, we have discussed this, stayed apart, but its no use. We have not been intimate for over a year now, maybe because I dont really want him, and neither does he.

I need someone to tell me is this normal or should i react now?

A: No, it’s not normal. Or at least it’s not the way people who love each other treat each other.

The two of you seem to be in an endless cycle of abuse. You each want to establish that the failure of your marriage is the other one’s fault. Neither of you wins the argument. But neither one of you takes all the blame either. It sounds very, very painful to me.

Your husband is stronger and has already demonstrated that he is willing to get physical. You are no longer a loving or intimate couple. My suggestion is that you swallow your pride, take the blame, and get out of the situation before you get seriously hurt. Yes, you are probably both at fault. Yes, he should take his part of the responsibility. But neither of those things really matter if they are keeping you stuck in an emotionally and physically painful relationship. Better to give in, give up, and get on with your life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie