I am 56 and my guy is 57. We have a relationship based on friendship with benefits. He doesn’t want any type of relationship that will result in commitment. So I have agreed to sleep with him because he is so kind and sweet to me outside the bedroom. The surprise came when we got into bed. He became a different person. He is very aggressive. He doesn’t give me fore-play. Oh when I mentioned it, he corrected it by kissing me on the neck. Then he hopped on top of me and ask me if I am ready for him.
He is so much into himself. He thinks if I cum several times, than he has done his job.
My question: When I am on top of him, he calls me dirty names like bitch and slut. Why does he do this? Is it because I am a friend who is giving him what he wants without asking for anything in return? Or what? I did stop him when he called me those names and he only laughed. I don’t know what to do if he calls me those again?
Thanks for putting this question out here. I think it is an important one because it highlights the issue of what is okay, and what isn’t.
At the risk of stating the obvious men typically have less of a nuanced sexual drive than women. But the solution can actually be quite simple. If you ask any man if he would like to know what would turn the woman he is with on, the unequivical answer would be ‘yes.’
So, be clear about exactly what you want –and what you don’t want. What is as important is consistency. If he calls you those names 10 times, you need to be clear that you don’t like it 10 times, and explain that it turns you OFF, not ON. But consistency is the key. If you say no 9 times, but don’t on the 10th, your guy will think he just has to work harder to please you. (If they find out I’m telling you the secrets of the Men’s Club they will throw me out ☺.)
Obviously, if he doesn’t get the message sooner rather than later I would sit down (when you both have your clothes on) and let him know the “benefits” part of your relationship is in jeopardy of cutbacks or elimination.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Why does he call me dirty names during sex?. Psych Central.
Retrieved on May 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/11/25/why-does-he-call-me-dirty-names-during-sex/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.