Your letter was moving because it so accurately explains the struggle in a partner who wants to heal the relationship. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to respond.
The good news? You caught this before it became physical. The other news? The effect on your husband is almost the same as if it were physical.
There are three broad ways to initiate the healing. The repair on your part involves a total recommitment with amends to your husband. As a couple you both need to explore the conditions that prompted you to look outside the marriage and change the dynamics between the two of you that caused them. Finally your husband must understand that he had some role in what made things not okay, and that has to change. In some instances these suggestions for change may not apply, but I think they are a good place to start for the two of you. This is most often accomplished with couples therapy. You can use the find help tab at the top of the page to find someone in your area.
The best analogy I can make of this is to say the two of you were in a car accident where you were driving and your husband was asleep. He woke up to see the car skidding off the road. Both of you will be traumatized to some degree by this, but you will each feel the pain in a different way. Because you were in the “driver’s seat” you had your hands on the wheel and could see what was coming. Your husband had no idea. His trauma is one of betrayal; yours, a lapse in judgment.
The best book on this healing process that I have come across is After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful.
You can both use this experience as a wakeup call for your relationship and not only heal it, but learn lessons from this that will allow you to flourish.
Wishing you patience and peace,