Had a splendid summer! Enjoyed 98% of the time – and not alcohol of course, meds+alcohol=bad er visit. Learned that a couple of times already.
I’m back at work, have wonderful students, things are going great. I’m taking graduate courses besides already having a master’s (so there really is no purpose in taking them -except just having “something” to “do.” I do really well in my studies.
I do not have a boyfriend, but I don’t want one either. I don’t have much of a social life except hanging out with coworkers every so often on Friday’s and discussing hwk problems with classmates. I don’t mean to sound smartass, (I actually see myself as flatass), but yes, I do feel smarter than my other classmates, I can settle my arguments with my professors. Certainly, not all the time b/c I’m not Ms It Know It All, I too mess up with the tiniest things, I’m a math teacher, I like to give my kids confidence, so I question them if they are “certain” their answer is right – will sometimes say an error on purpose (or make an accidental mistake yet say it with confidence) – it’s nice to see them with the calculator, “yes ma’am, I’ve it on the calculator, look!”
I’ve history of Major Depression, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, history of suicidal thoughts, endangering myself, and I think I’m lucky enough to only have those, others actually have it Tough. My parents divorced about 3 years ago, that was hard, I was in really bad shape with my depression, to think I came back home around that time and whoop! tables turn, and well, that’s over in any case for I cannot fix that.
My counselor moved, and recommended someone else. He seems good, straight to the point. I think I’m easier to work with now though, I was really messed up / depressed.
Now, I always have something funny to say, can make people laugh, yes, sometimes I can be a little annoying for being “too funny.” I’m in a good mood most of the time, I only get “upset” when the students misbehave but otherwise I’m well behaved. Though I have noticed I get just a little down at night, only at night. I have these urges of just stopping everything ask myself why should I sleep? why should I live? what is the purpose? If someone else needs my organs, why not give them away now that I am healthy? I “feel” my heart starts pumping 50 times faster, and that’s when I think it’s a good idea to take my prescribed xanax. I take my Pristiq and Lamictal on a daily basis. Xanax only when I need it, and Fanapt to sleep.
I haven’t seen my new counselor, only the 1st introduction/questionaire/visit. I had a couple of reminders of when I left the PhD program, and just like a lot of Americans my family is suffering from job loss too. But those thoughts have been lingering for a little longer. I think I’m a little uneasy, and that work and school are the only things that get me to wake up something for. I can’t find something that will give me peace and happiness. Care for any thoughts Please?