I was recently called a “misfit misanthrope” by some random user here on the internet & I wasn’t too sure what misanthrope meant.
Sooo, I looked it up. When I did, I realized how I kind of fit in with what it was.
I do absolutely love everyone – but I hate everyone just as much. I don’t know how this is. ((I hate people just a little more than I love them.)) It’s so hard to describe and my feelings have become more and more uncontrollable. I’m aware that I’m more irritable, and jeez… I have looked into my past. I realized that I can’t really speak to “outsiders” like waiters, teachers, or anyone other than two of my closest friends – BUT no one knows how I’ve been feeling lately.
I do have a few close friends, and I love my family to death – but overall, I just dislike humans. No specifics. Just humans. It has affected my life for as far as I can remember.
I can fake a smile for the masses, but jeez, It just kills me inside to be around people.
I ditched a lot during my middle school/high school days because classrooms just weren’t my thing. Whenever I was in class, I just drifted off into dreamland. I’m 18 years old, and I haven’t graduated high school. I don’t even want to go back. After all I’ve dealt with in school, I just can’t go back – but this is making it worse with my family. My siblings think I’m stupid, my parents think I’m just lazy – but honest to god I’m just terrified of being back in an environment that doesn’t understand. I got in trouble so many times because people couldn’t leave me be.
I used to struggle to just make eye contact until just recently (and I still have issues with it) – I’d get yelled at by teachers and principals to “look at them”. I’d lift my head, but focus my eyes somewhere else. Then I’d get yelled at again – and god, I did try. I tried to look them in the eyes, but when I did, I just thought about all the ways I could and should kill the idiot for making me look at them. (Sorry.)
For the record, I’m not religious so if my use of “god” offends you, that’s just too bad.
I’m such a people person, and then again I’m not. I’m great at cheering people up. Awfully great at it – but I also know which buttons to push when I need to. I just take advantage of people. I’m not an entirely callous witch, but I use my “nice” half to fill my “evil” half with information to use incase a friendship falls apart.
I hate society, really. I hate laws – and if I could get away with it, I’d break it… because of this, I’ve had too many run-ins with the law. Two or three of those times, I’ve been arrested and taken away. Once to a local shelter for runaways (rather than juvie), and two other times to juvie. I’ve been a huge burden on my family, but I do know that despite that, they still love me somewhat & I do love them.
I’ve been told I’m a “walking contradiction”, and I do get why. But I’m totally clueless as to how I dispell these stupid feelings. I want to be just one. Either I hate all humans to death, or I love them all to death. I don’t want both. I swear, these two halves are going to kill me or get me killed by someone I’ve upset. I don’t want that yet. At this moment, despite my pathetic life, I’ve got too much to live for.
PLUS…I’d rather anyone who may respond, that you not tell me to “see someone”. I would never. That’s why I’m here – I don’t want to speak to someone in person. I don’t know what I’d do if they pushed the wrong button. That’s why the internet is my best option. I’ve got only myself to get at, and that won’t get me charged with assault or attempted murder.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just being dumb, but I’m being torn in half right now & this is the only place I can turn to. I don’t want to express my feelings to anyone in person. No family, no friends, and no strangers! Not even someone I’ll never see again. I’ve had required counseling for anger management before, same counselor both times. It was not helpful. It was just annoying and quiet and I wanted to break something over the guys head. I was never going to tell them the truth – even if I wanted to, I always had my mom or my dad there with me. They’ve been proven unworthy of my trust. They’ve trashed my room – read diaries – taken my drawings away. They’d call me out for things – private things – in my diary, and if they thought a drawing was “bad” they’d take it. My dad’s even the type to taunt me with the information he wasn’t supposed to have. My trust is extremely fragile… and they’ll never have it again. So, I really have nowhere else to go but here. Or some other random site where the users will just call me a “misfit misanthrope”.
What do I do to fix these stupid conflicting emotions?