From a developmental perspective, you may be experiencing the “identity versus identity confusion” stage. According to Erik Erickson’s psychosocial developmental theory, this stage generally occurs in one’s high school years. At this stage in life, individuals are attempting to find their own identity. This involves trying to fit in with other people, joining new groups, and trying new activities. It is completely normal and healthy. The concern, however, is that you are comparing yourself to other people and determining that you are not “good enough.” This is a problem. The conclusion you have made about yourself seems to have led to depression. Many people at school are experiencing much of what you are but they are not showing it to others. You know how you feel but others don’t. They know how they feel but you don’t. We only see the outside, the public persona. We don’t see the inside.
Before you decide your future (i.e. whether or not to join the Army) I would highly recommend consulting a therapist. You need a guide or mentor who can help you make the best decision possible. As you noted in your letter, depression and having a low opinion of yourself are making it difficult to make the best possible choice about your future. Depression clouds judgment. It may lead to the wrong decision. Deciding whether or not to join the Army is a major life decision. The choice to join the Army will affect the rest of your life. Therefore it is important that you do not make this decision alone, without consulting a professional. Please click on the find help tab at the top of this page to help you locate a therapist who specializes in depression. I wish you well. Good luck.