I’m sorry you’re experiencing so much distress. I believe you need to find a therapist who specializes in the treatment of dissociative identity disorder (DID) or trauma. Admittedly, it can be difficult to locate a specialist but many therapists are trained to deal with trauma and may be able to assist you with your issues.
I believe it is important for you to be in therapy at this time for several reasons, including your depression, your urge to commit suicide when something goes wrong, and the fact that you have in essence created an alternate online personality. In addition, you are having difficulty dealing with your emotions which may be related to the fact that you are having experiences that you don’t remember, at least consciously. You need the support of a therapist to help you stay grounded in reality, control your emotions and deal with your depression. This is especially important because it does not seem as if you have much support from your family.
I would also encourage you to become educated about DID. Knowledge is power and this is especially true when it comes to DID because unfortunately it is often misdiagnosed and relative to other mental health disorders, is poorly understood. Some books about DID that are highly rated include:
- The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook by Deborah Haddock
- Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living With Dissociative Identity Disorder by
Tracy, Ph.D. Alderman and Karen Marshall
- Multiple Personality Disorder from the Inside Out by W. Giller
- The Stranger In The Mirror by Marlene Steinberg and Maxine Schnall
You did not ask a specific question but I believe what is most important for you at this time is to be in treatment with a competent therapist who can help you deal with your history of trauma and possibly a diagnosis of DID. The best way to know if you have the right therapist is if you feel a little better after each session. Please click the find help tab at the top of this page to help you locate mental health professional in your community. I wish you well. Please take care.