My boyfriend had a “golden shower” fetish and prefers that I do it instead of him masturbating to it. Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years, and plan on being together for a very long time. A few weeks after we became intimate he told me about his golden shower fetish, but told me that he was only interested in it because of his ex and that he no longer did it. I later found out that it wasn’t true and that his fetish started long before his ex was even in his life. I tried to understand it, and even did it sometimes for him, but now it’s at the point where he only wants me to be the one to do it, and he doesn’t even like watching “his videos” anymore. I’m not into the idea at all. It turns it and me completely off makes such a mess! (I always make him clean it up) If he is expecting it, and it doesn’t happen, he gets upset with me, even though he knows I don’t like to do it. Sometimes he blames himself for “not taking care of it”. I wish I had never started doing it for him in the first place, and now I feel it is ruining our sex lives. Tonight I was all ready to “go” and be intimate with him, but because I wasn’t doing his fetish, he didn’t really want to be intimate with me. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this, I’ve never had a partner for this long, and I really want to be with him for a very long time. I just wish he had a different fetish, something that wasn’t so gross and messy. I know I am supposed to accept that it is normal, and I am begging to, but it’s still hard and confusing on what I can/should do to make him happy, and make myself happy at the same time.

A: I appreciate you writing us about this issue. It sounds as if it is time to negotiate a significant change with your boyfriend.

Golden showers (the popular term for urolagnia) is a paraphilia associate sexual excitement involving urine and urination. But what seems very clear from your description is that your needs are not being met, it actually turns you off, and it is replacing intimate relations. Fetishes that are mutually agreed upon by a couple can enhance their sexual relationship. But what I understand from your letter his happiness comes at the expense of yours. It also sounds like he is using the fetish as a way to manipulate you. If it isn’t going to be his way, then nothing is going to happen. The bottom line? Don’t let the fetish dominate your sexual life and relationship. The fact that it doesn’t appeal to you, you find it gross, and you are being denied your needs, means that it is not something you want to keep doing simply to keep your him happy. Let him know intimacy and sex are a reciprocal process and your needs are no less important than his. Otherwise the relationship will continue to be unbalanced.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan