Thank you for writing. The fact that you were able to get yourself to reach out via the Internet is important. I think it is a step in the right direction.
Evil people do not feel the anguish you feel, and don’t reach out for help in any forum. There is more information here about evil, and you are fundamentally different. You writing us, and the care you have for your friends are two big disqualifiers.
If in-person doesn’t work for you I would consider joining our more than 160 online communities. They are free, and there is likely to be one or two you can relate to. Contact with others in an online forum is a safe and convenient way to sort through the range of feelings.
We also have highly qualified therapists online who can chat with you directly. The find help tab at the top of the page will get you to all the information. There is also a link to the various hotline phone links.
You had enough motivation to seek us out and follow through. Now it is time to add to this beginning.
Wishing you patience and peace,