There isn’t the day I don’t think about dying or just disappearing. I feel so tired of everything and every nigh I’m wishing I would fall asleep and never wake up. At some point I had this «happy thoughts» that kept me going but now I don’t even have that. I just live, day to day, like some kind of zombie. I’m trying so hard to get at least one positive thought so I could continue living, but nothing. I live because it’s something I’m expected to do. No matter how much it hurts to wake up every morning and LIVE, they wont let me die. I would be selfish for leaving them like this. But isn’t it selfish from them to make me live although this thing called life suffocates me?
Just recently I discovered that I don’t feel anything. I don’t remember the last time I was happy or excited nor remember how it feels. There is just this anger. And I started to cry a lot without any reason.
For the last month or so I feel different; I feel like I escaped death or something – I’m terrified of something and sometimes I get panic attacks. Like I’m supposed to be dead, but I’m not. No matter how depressed I was, I always knew what to do. But since this feeling appeared, I don’t know anything. I’m completely lost. Everything seems pointless even more than it already was. I wish to have some purpose in this life.
I finished first year of college. And I quit it. I’m tired of going to schools and such. I applied to college because people told me that’s something I SHOULD do because everyone is going to college and it seems you’re stupid if you don’t go there. I was there and it was nothing special. I don’t regret for quitting. I regret the money I spent on that. I don’t like money. Whole my life my family had problems with it and because of it I despise it. I wish to help people. I would gladly go through if I could do that.
I was never in love with anyone or anything. I find some people, no matter the gender, pretty, but that’s it. I was never attracted to anyone in either way. I was sexually abused when I was 5 and again when I was 15. I never told this to anyone because I feel it’s enough that I at some point in my life tagged myself as «damaged» – there is no point in anyone else doing the same.
The only men that approach me are…. They have this disgusting look in their eyes and they always stare. I don’t like their attention. I don’t like attention of any male. I hate them. People used to tell me that not every man is the same but my opinion hasn’t changed. In my eyes they are disgusting, useless creatures that are interested in only one thing. And I’m just not capable of doing that. It’s hideous.
Relationships are something I don’t pay much attention to. I don’t let people get close because I don’t want to get hurt.
I broke my own heart in tiny peaces and have no intention in fixing it because I don’t want from anyone to do it to me. It’s safer if I do it to myself. Every day I used to tell myself all kinds of things that I knew would hurt me the most. And I broke it.
I’m used to being lonely but the more I say it, the more it hurts. Why’s that?
I don’t have problem with my looks, it was never the issue. The way I look is something I chose to and I could change but don’t want to.
I don’t know how to continue with living. There is no purpose and I can’t think of any. Everything hurts. I kept myself alive for so long, hoping it would be better, trying to change. I don’t know what to do anymore. If I already need to live for my family, I can at least live the way I want or…?I Don’t Know How To Live Anymore
I Don’t Know How To Live Anymore
It is clear that you are suffering deeply. I’m sorry that you’re having such a difficult time living. My heart goes out to you.
You mentioned that you were sexually abused twice in your life. The abuse that you suffered very likely has a lot to do with how you’re feeling. It also likely explains why you have difficulty trusting others. You were hurt and understandably you do not want it to happen again. Relationships are difficult. You don’t want anyone to get too close. You are guarded. In an effort to essentially hurt yourself before someone else does, you purposefully harm yourself. It may also be your way of gaining control. What you may be experiencing, at least in part, is post-traumatic stress. Post-traumatic stress is a common response to trauma. People who have experienced traumatic experiences may feel emotionally numb. Some describe this numbness as being almost detached from life.
With regard to college, maybe it wasn’t for you or maybe it was. With your emotional problems, it’s not fair to judge how suitable college is for you. You went to college because that is what your family wanted. You view that as something negative but try to think about it from a different perspective. You are learning about what makes you happy; you are experiencing life. Maybe you are meant to be an artist, a musician, a gourmet chef or a college professor. It is the wrong point in your life to come to conclusions about your future career.
You wrote that you essentially do not know how to continue with living. I would concur with this statement. You need guidance. Everyone in life needs guidance. You need the help of a wise, competent and knowledgeable therapist who can help you overcome this unpleasant time in your life. You mentioned depression, experiencing passive suicidal ideation, and having panic attacks. What you didn’t mention is whether or not you’ve ever tried counseling. You could greatly benefit from counseling. If you have not tried it, then you have not given yourself an opportunity to improve your life. Life has ups and downs. Your life may be unpleasant now but do not believe that it will always stay that way.
I hope you will consider therapy. Please click on the find help tab to find a therapist in your community. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.