I never stop thinking. I lie a lot, normally when with friends, not to get away with any thing or for pity but just to lie. I usually always admit to lying right after or if later asked about it. i just make up short stories about sometime small insignificant that happen to me or something i witnessed. I get a strange kick out of lying then watching peoples face look surprised and seeing that they believe me. I sometimes feel obsessed with the concept of a lie and the need to perfect my lies and make sure i am believable. I love when a friend or I need a excuse and getting to think for a minute or so of a good one. I have said more times than once than i wish i could be a professional liar. When i hear about a lie someone came up with or watch a good movie with a twist at the end or hear about a good con man or lie someone came up with, i have a lot of respect for the creator. I feel its for some reason always good to have a lie up ur sleeve and just get really excited about lies.
I also sometimes get these trippy feelings like i have control of events that happen to me, even though in the back of my mind i know it completely impossible i sometimes don’t acknowledge that its impossible. Example: Lets say i have something that i value with me and i keep taking it out, forgetting where i put it then a few seconds to minute later i find it, ill soon start think: “man that would suck if i really lose it and cannot find it a minute later..” then i really do lose it and cant find it. I ill get really frustrated with myself because somehow i should have known not to think about losing it and then i wouldnt have really lost it…
When i was younger i remember when ever i was at home with my family, whenever i would leave the room (and my sisters mom and dad were still in the same room together) they would automatically go back to their real lives, which was somehow plotting against me, like they were all actors and i was their audience, and as soon as i entered the room with them again they would go right back to acting. For years anytime i left the room that was always the image i had. I cant remember if i legitimately believed it or not although i never get that feeling now.
I am 17 and i have never had a boy/girl friend, never been kissed or anything else, and never close to either one actually happening. I truly honestly completely believe that i would not mind and would be perfectly content with being alone the rest of my life. I think i would feel awkward in a relationship, almost like i would think i’m not worth their time. I also for the most part never mind being alone or doing things that people my age would generally do with a friend or two. Although i spend a lot of time with friends, i don’t have that many, and all my friends have other people that they are good friends with or at least that separate other best friend. This is only sometimes frustrating.I always put myself last when it comes to the bigger pictures. Like i feel that if in the situation i would easily give up my life for anyone else.
I sometimes crave criticism from friends. But also feel awkward or embarrassed if i change my hair or something a friend tells me i look nice or complements me. My minds always thinking to its self. I cant find my beauty. Sometimes if im already a little sad, and look in the mirror just staring at my face trying to find something i like about it and i honestly cant find anything, and then i might get tears in my eye or cry.. When i was a kid, there was a time that i hated my parents for having me, kinda like how could they live with themselves. And i would promise myself that i wouldn’t have kids so they wouldn’t have to suffer though this ugliness. And im not a completely hideous person i just don’t like me.
I have only one picture in my phone of myself, and it wasn’t even one that i took my self.
I often get emotional lot of the time about different things that don’t directly relate to me. Like a “i feel ur pain kinda thing”
People that don’t know me view me as a really nice calm shy girl. I always feel awkward. I sometimes view old people as pitifully. I hate my self because im really judgmental and hate a lot of things and types of people including hypocrites, but i know im a hypocrite. And i constantly put myself through vicious self loathing cycles.
A lot of things look or sound good in my head or make perfect sense in my head but sometimes when these things leave my head they don’t make since to others or don’t look and sound as good.