Your life is a story of one loss after another. Your parents, foster parents, and boyfriends haven’t stayed. If that weren’t enough, your child was brutally taken away by someone you thought you loved. In an instant, you lost not one but two of the people closest to you.
Although you have done amazingly well in many ways, it makes absolute sense to me that you have difficulty staying in relationships. The only “committed” relationship you’ve had was ironically with someone who was unavailable to you most of the time you were together because he was in jail!
Women who have been through so much loss often have difficulty trusting in relationships. As much as they want to really love and be loved, they’ve had so much experience with being abandoned that they keep a piece of their heart out of the relationship. It just plain feels too emotionally risky to commit everything. Like you, they feel they HAVE to get out before they get abandoned yet again.
Being faithful isn’t magic. It’s a decision people make to be committed to the commitment of being together when the going gets a little rough. There’s a saying that when love doesn’t feel like enough to hold a committed relationship together, the relationship can hold people together until they find the love again. Relationships are rarely steadily romantic or passionate or even interesting. We move in and out of love’s intensity as we grow together with someone we care about. But for it to work, both people have to be willing and able to stick.
If you truly want to be able to have a long-term relationship, I suggest you find a therapist who specializes in trauma and loss. Such a therapist will help you resolve old griefs and learn to take emotional risks again. It will take time. But in my opinion it’s worth doing. You’ve had far too much loss in your life. You deserve to be cherished by someone and to learn to wholeheartedly love back.
I wish you well.