When you notice yourself beginning to focus on your distressing visions, try to distract yourself. Focusing on them makes the visions worse. As you said in your letter, writing them down was an overwhelming task. To the best of your ability, try to stop yourself from thinking about them. Make a conscious and directed effort to stop the thoughts when they occur.
I am concerned about your overall well-being. Not only are you experiencing distressing thoughts, you are struggling with drug and alcohol problems, cutting and a very concerning situation regarding your ex-boyfriend. If you are using drugs and alcohol, this may be contributing to your visions as well as to the self-injury. Under the influence of drugs or alcohol, one is unable to think clearly and logically. Individuals may make foolish decisions that they may not have made while sober. Drug and alcohol use can also permanently alter one’s brain chemistry. This is one of the many dangers of experimenting with drugs and alcohol.
The fact that your ex-boyfriend is threatening to rape you is very disturbing. Based on your description of him, he seems emotionally unstable. During your relationship, he was emotionally abusive to you. This may indicate that he has a tendency toward abuse. His threats should be taken seriously. You should be very careful in his presence. He may not be able to control his behavior. I would strongly advise you to limit your contact with him and to never be alone in his presence. Do not hesitate to call the police if necessary.
You were in therapy for a short time but were only able to attend five sessions. I am wondering why you stopped. I would strongly advise returning to therapy. It is imperative that you learn healthier coping skills. The coping skills you are currently utilizing, including drug and alcohol use and self-injury, are ineffective and dangerous. Your therapist suggested that you may have depression. This may be a possibility. I also suspect that you may be struggling with low self-esteem and a lack of guidance, among other issues.
Please speak to your parents about returning to therapy. It is also recommended that you be evaluated by a medical professional regarding the visions you discussed in your letter. It is important to rule out any medical problems. Click on the find help tab at the top of this page to locate a therapist in your community. I wish you well. Please take care.