Your letter concerns me deeply. I see so much pain and yet you minimize it and disconnect from it. You are not a “recovered” bulimic. You continue with the symptoms of a significant eating disorder. You are not recovered from depression. You barely have a handle on it yet you resist taking the medicine that was helping you keep your balance because of the weight gain. This is very, very worrisome. Your concerns about weight gain have overwhelmed your concerns for yourself, your husband, and your children. I hope you will reconsider. You deserve better than this. Your husband who loves you deserves better than this. Most important, the children who love you and are dependent on you deserve a mother who isn’t thinking about ways she can bail on them.
Yes, some antidepressants are less likely to have weight gain as a side effect. According to an article on WebMD, “Some antidepressants may be less likely to affect weight. Effexor and Serzone generally do not cause weight gain, while Wellbutrin can cause weight loss. Sometimes switching within the same class of drugs can make a huge difference.” However – and this is a big however – you should be consulting your doctor about what might be the best solution for you. No article can take the place of a professional who knows your history and your symptoms from personal experience with you.
Of most importance, though, is addressing your eating disorder as well as the depression. Your over-concern with weight is causing you to lose sight of what is most important for you and your family. I assure you, your children would much rather have an overweight mom than no mom at all.
Hopefully, as you get further from the birth of your child, the depression will settle down a bit so that you can turn more of your attention to the eating disorder. In the meantime, please do continue seeing your therapist. Be as honest with her as you know how. Tell her what you are really thinking about so she knows how serious the situation really is. Accept the support of your therapist and people who care about you – even when you don’t care very much about yourself. Consider joining a support group for people who have bulimia. If you’re too overwhelmed for that, there are support groups on the Internet that may give you a start.
I think writing your letter may have been your attempt to help yourself realize how serious your issues are. I hope you can find the supports you need to build on that healthy impulse.
I wish you well.