ok, so im 23 i’ve been deployed once and im on my second, my wife is at home pregnate! my issues are i have homicidle thoughts during the day all the time and i have homicidle dreams at night! my mind races of everything when i lay down to go to sleep. when i eat i feel like im going to throw up, sometimes i shake when im angry which is almost all the time. there are times that i feel like i might be an extension of satan and that i am ment for something evil! i often endulge this feeling because it takes my mind elswhere, i am easily frightend by loud noises. and often when i crack my back or turn my head wrong i see what looks to be like little dots of light that fall from above my head and they have tracers and last for about a minute or so. people in general make me angry and i have phisical impulses to want to hurt them and they are getting harder to cantrol. i feel like i just want to unplug and let the dirty work begin. when someone make me mad i often have 3 or 4 homicidle thoughts run threw my head. it seems that no one can see how i am feeling so thats a good thing i suppose but i feel like just a little more of people pushing me towards the edge is gonna make me snap and i dont know whats going to happen.Homicidal Thoughts: What’s Wrong with Me?
Homicidal Thoughts: What’s Wrong with Me?
I’m not certain what is causing your negative thoughts. You did not mention what if anything precipitated them. Was there a specific event that occurred? Had you been having symptoms prior to deployment?
The negative thoughts could have been brought on by stress associated with your deployment. The most logical explanation may be that you are experiencing psychotic-like symptoms associated with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD can occur after an individual has witnessed a traumatic event that involved serious injury or death. It can trigger unwanted thoughts and images that may be difficult to control. It would also explain the fact that you are frightened by loud noises. This is a symptom often associated with PTSD.
This is a dangerous situation because by your own admission you are on the verge of being unable to control your behavior. You feel as though you’re going to “snap” but aren’t certain when it will happen. Because of your symptoms you should go to a hospital immediately. The hospital can keep you and others safe. They can also provide medication to help decrease or eliminate your unwanted thoughts. The symptoms you are experiencing are serious but they are treatable. Most military hospitals have developed specialized treatments for PTSD. Please go to a hospital immediately.
Below is a resource that may help:
The National Veterans Foundation: 888-777-4443. This foundation can also assist with crisis intervention.
I hope that you are able to seek treatment immediately. Please take care.