I’m very glad you wrote. And I’m very sorry that life is so hard for you right now. You are obviously a particularly smart and thoughtful guy. Your letter reads like someone much older. I hope you can use those smarts to learn ways to help yourself.
Here’s what I think: You are mixing up some stuff that is very normal (being obsessed with the girl, being worried that your work isn’t good enough, fighting with mom) with things that maybe aren’t (needing things to be completely even, upset by numbers, thinking something bad will happen if you don’t say exactly the same prayer). That adds a lot to your distress. Not that normal teen stuff isn’t stressful. It just helps sometimes to know that you’re dealing with the same stuff as the next guy.
As for the other stuff: I can’t give you a final answer type diagnosis on the basis of a letter, of course. But I can tell you that the things that are most distressing are possibly symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). If you do have OCD, it makes sense that ordinary teen issues are getting inflated to the point where they can feel unbearable. And it makes sense that you have trouble being around other people and in places where you don’t feel safe.
The good news is that OCD is treatable. There are medications that tone it down. And some talk therapy will help you learn how to manage it. Furthermore, many people “outgrow” it during their teens and early 20s.
Please talk to your mother about making an appointment for you to see a mental health professional to get a complete evaluation. Perhaps showing her this letter will help. There is no need to go through your teens with this kind of inner stress. A counselor can refer you to a prescriber for medication and can help you and your parents learn some practical strategies to help you take charge of the obsessions and compulsions.
Meanwhile, if you ever have those suicidal thoughts again, please keep this number handy: 800-448-3000. That’s the Boys Town National Hotline. There are counselors there 24/7 who will talk to any young person who is in distress.
I wish you well.