I hope it will be the real “you” reading this letter. It is not healthy to pretend to be someone you are not. I am not certain if you are consciously choosing to be someone else in the presence of others or if it is an unconscious reaction. In either case, it is most likely serving the same purpose: psychological protection. The key question is: What are you protecting yourself from? If I had the opportunity to interview you in person, I would want to know when this problem began, what you were like before it started, and whether you experienced a traumatic event that may have prompted this reaction, among many other questions.
You are obviously suffering. This is evident from your behavior including the severe self-mutilation and your use of alcohol and sleeping pills. It is clear that the pain you feel is very real.
My concern is that you will continue down a road of self-destruction. I say this because you mentioned that even when you saw a doctor you pretended to be someone else. It will be difficult for someone to help you if you deliberately mislead them.
I would advise you to consider seeking professional help but only if you think you can tell the truth. It would not be beneficial to attend counseling if you have no desire to go or have no intention to be honest with the therapist. It would be a waste of your time.
Part of the problem may be that you have lived as this “other person” for so long that you don’t know how to behave or how to change. Pretending to be someone else has obviously provided some level of comfort and functionality in your life. Therapy could help you to find healthy alternatives to deal with psychological pain.
The choice is yours as to whether or not you want to seek help. No one can force you into therapy but consider the alternative: continued use of pills, alcohol and self-harm as a way to anesthetize your emotional pain. These choices may provide temporary relief but they will only prolong your suffering. I hope you are able to find the help that you need. Click on the “find help” tab above to search for a therapist.
Thank you for your question. Please take care.