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Morality clash with sexual turn-ons

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I am deeply troubled that my most intense orgasms are a result of fantasies about spanking other women. This is in stark contrast to romantic fantasy of a deeply loving relationship of adoration an the sacred treasuring of my partner. Part of the attraction to this fetish is a yearning for social power and control. In some ways it is a revenge on other women for sexual rejection and for having better bodies than mine. However I am rarely feeling angry or jealous during these fantasies to how can I desensitize myself to this fantasy without the fetish escalating because it isn’t being addressed? Please help.

Morality clash with sexual turn-ons

Answered by on -


Thank you for writing to us about this struggle. But I am not sure that desensitization is the way to go. It may be an opportunity for integration.

The tricky world of fetish fantasies is difficult, but not impossible to navigate. If you understand that something as simple as a hug is both an embrace and a restraint you can appreciate that sexual encounters and fantasies are a fusion of restriction and release, pain and pleasure, and dominance and surrender. The goal in a healthy relationship is to navigate the balance of mutual delight that serves the positive aspects of the encounter. It is not uncommon for lovers to nibble and pinch each other as a form of eroticism. Can this extend to spanking? The answer lies in the reciprocal agreement between the lovers. Erotic desire involves an agreed-upon allowance for surrender and dominance to take place in a safe and mutually agreed upon way. Tolerance of some pain in the exchange may be healthy and erotic if it is mutually acceptable.

Naturally, if the struggle becomes too uncomfortable you may want to bring the issue to a therapist. Some referrals are available at the top of the page under the find help tab.

But if you are longing for a loving, romantic, equal relationship with another woman you may want to look for a partner who will be willing to experiment creating safe ways to love each other.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

Morality clash with sexual turn-ons

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Morality clash with sexual turn-ons. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 23, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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