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Trust Issues in My Marriage

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I have been married 20 years. Shortly after I was married (second marriage) my husband started accusing me of having affairs. I allowed him access to my day, completely, so he would hopefully get security. I have 3 kids, mind you, that I was taking care of during this time. It has not decreased but increased and every couple of months he starts again about me having affairs and it is getting worse. Now, he even has me sneaking in random men before I start work in the morning before anyone else is at the office. I know he had an abusive upbringing but I am running out of patience. He has me having affairs anytime, anywhere, with anyone and he tells me I need counseling for my sex addiction. The fact is I have never cheated on him EVER but he won’t believe that. He has even confronted people that he thought were the “other man” How can I deal with this or is it time to cut my losses and get out of this relationship? Thank you.

Trust Issues in My Marriage

Answered by on -

A.

I am so sorry you have to deal with the accusations. It must be very tiresome and frustrating to have to defend yourself against your husband’s fingerpointing.

This is a very difficult situation, because it tends not to get better without therapy. Jealousy of this kind tends to be part of a behavior / personality pattern that is very difficult to manage. I certainly could be wrong about this, and hope that I am, but as you are finding out there is no satisfying his suspicions. How can you satisfy a delusion?

The dynamic underneath it is usually that the men were abused and betrayed, but the reaction to the betrayal remains unhealed.

Set very clear limits with your responses to him; don’t keep answering once you have answered his question. His accusations are a type of verbal abuse. You want to be with him, but he won’t stop being abusive. He is likely to be doing to you what was done to him.

I would very strongly suggest couples counseling to get your husband in front of a therapist who could begin to confront him about his treatment of you. Clicking the “find help” tab at the top of the page will bring you to qualified people in your area. Counseling is important because even if you “cut your losses” you will have to find ways of dealing with him around the children.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

Trust Issues in My Marriage

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Trust Issues in My Marriage. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 24, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/07/19/trust-issues-2/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.