Hello Rikki. I am sorry that you are experiencing so much distress. I believe you made the correct choice by writing a letter about your concerns.
My main concern about your situation is that you feel out of control. You have frightening thoughts about harming yourself and others. As time progresses, you feel less and less certain about your ability to control your actions. If you truly believe that you might harm yourself or someone else then you should immediately go to the hospital for an evaluation. The hospital can keep you safe. They can stabilize your symptoms and offer you treatment.
With regard to therapy, you tried it but it was unsuccessful. You and your therapist did not get along. You also did not trust her. These types of problems make it difficult for therapy to be successful.
I would strongly recommend finding another therapist. The best way to do this is to call at least five to 10 therapists and interview them over the phone. Ask them many questions such as: Can they help you? How? What would they suggest that you do? Would they be willing to see you and if so, how soon? Choose the therapist who makes you feel the most comfortable. Perhaps you could find a trusted adult to help you with this. It might feel a little overwhelming for you.
I would also recommend occasionally inviting your mother into your therapy sessions. It would be best if she had her own therapist but perhaps she could attend your appointments once a month for a family session. Her involvement is important because many of your problems involve your mother. You feel ignored by her, and so forth. Part of the problem may be miscommunication. Your mother may not know or understand how you feel and the same may be true for you. You or she may not be “on the same page.” You would be surprised at how many relationship problems are caused by simple miscommunication.
Life is difficult for you at this time but it can improve. Therapy is a good place to start. Finding a good therapist could make a major difference in your life. I hope you will not abandon the idea of therapy and are open to trying it again with a new therapist. I believe this is the best way to approach your problem. Here is a link to a directory where you can search for a therapist in your community. I wish you well. Take care. Thank you for your question.