This isn’t love: It is abuse. Let’s review. Here is one of your opening sentences: I love him so much and I cant live without him but he treats me like crap.
Do you see something amis with that statement? I do. You love him more than he loves you. You say you can’t live without him, but the deeper question is why? Think about this. He wants you to work, earn money, then send it to him, so he can pay for sex, so it won’t be like cheating on you. He has hit you, and you have acted out against him by cheating. He has a very distinct profile that is often associated with misogynistic behavior. Such traits as excessive control, denial, manipulation, jealousy, anger, intimidation, and sexual domination are all indicators of his abusive nature. It does not get better on its own. Without him commiting to therapy these behaviors typically escalate.
Let me be a bit more blunt about this and put the issue squarely in front of you. It is your low self-esteem that is keeping you in this relationship, not your love. What you need to do is feel better about you so you don’t accept his pathetic behavior as something loving. Slapping you, telling you to pay for him to have sex with someone else, criticizing your body and forcing you to have sex are not acts of love. They are abusive: He has taken you hostage.
Even the poems are part of this profile. They are called an “undoing.” They are designed for you to forget the pain he is causing you.
But the part of you that feels there is something wrong, and does not want this to continue is the key to your self-esteem. It is the part that got you to write this letter and ask for help. Pay attention to this aspect of yourself. It is coming from a healthy place.
Get some counseling from a women’s support center where you are staying. You can find a local chapter through this organization. You can also click on the “Find Help” tab on the top of this article.
You were most likely drawn to your boyfriend’s potential, not his reality. Often when someone has felt victimized thy are afraid of having their own power because they feel it makes them like the person who controlled them. But what you are seeking is self-empowerment, not abusive or controlling. It is part of self-care which is essential for emotional growth.
Knowing when to leave an unhealthy relationship is important because it sets a boundary and allows you to become more whole.
Once the crisis passes you may want to continue in counseling to understand a bit more about why you were drawn to him in the first place. You need to feel better about yourself so you can see him for what he is. As the popular 12 step saying goes: “You are either a victim or volunteer.”
Wishing you patience and peace,