Recovery takes time. There will be many “ups and downs.” That is the nature of bipolar disorder. It is a mistake to think that your life will not improve. The proof is that it has improved in the past and it can again. Bipolar disorder is a condition that needs to be managed over time. There is no cure but it is manageable. Many individuals with bipolar disorder can live high-quality lives.
At this moment in time, your judgment may be impaired. Recently, you were doing very well. You have decompensated and from your perspective, your situation is hopeless. This type of thinking is very “black and white.” Perhaps you see no hope in trying again. Maybe you do not believe that you could return to your high point. The truth is that you can. Yes, it is going to take time, effort and treatment but you have done it before and you can do it again.
One salient aspect of your current situation is that you stopped treatment. This could explain why you decompensated. It makes logical sense. The key to success is not stopping treatment.
What’s most important for you is to return to treatment immediately. It helped you previously and it can help again.
If you need to go to the hospital do not hesitate to go. The hospital can keep you safe. Hospital stays are temporary. For many people, they serve as a much-needed respite. You need to do what’s best for you at this time. If the hospital is the most appropriate place for you then please go. In fact, I would strongly recommend the hospital because of your suicidal ideation. As I mentioned above, you are not thinking clearly. You have a history of suicidal ideation and this is concerning. Please seek help as soon as possible. It can help you get back on the road to recovery.
Lastly, the fact that you have a record of success and stability is very encouraging. You may see it as a negative (i.e. I was doing well and now I am not) but I would disagree. It is proof that you have the power and psychological means to stabilize. Your past success can help you to repeat your success. You did it once and you can do it again.
I wish you well. Thank you for your question.