I’m impressed by how hard you are working to be fair, to take your share of the problem, and to carefully consider what might be most helpful to your long-term goal of salvaging your relationship. Not too surprisingly, your feelings are lagging behind your thinking. It’s as if you believe the only place you can fully experience your feelings is in your dreams. Given what you said about your husband’s reluctance to deal with emotional encounters, you may be right. But you do need a place where you feel safe working on your own feelings.
I am also impressed that your husband is trying so hard. Even though he doesn’t like dealing with emotions, he is doing his best to reassure you. Apparently, he can “talk” with flowers and positive deeds, even though he can’t tolerate a lot of conversation about what happened.
I don’t think you can simply let go. You’re too hurt and the would-be “ally” won’t let you. I think it would be helpful to have someone in your corner who you could talk to freely and safely and who would balance out the negativity of the “ally.” For that reason, I recommend that you find a couples counselor to be your sounding board and to help you find some peace within yourself. At some point, the two of your might invite your husband in for a few sessions to find a way to put some closure on this painful chapter in your life together so you can both truly move on.
You can find a therapist by clicking on the tab on our homepage or by doing an Internet search of the AAMFT (American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy) and your city. Therapists who are members of AAMFT have specialized training in working with couples.
I wish you well.