I am not really quite sure about where or how to start this off because “I” believe that there may be other factors than just depression going on, but I am not even sure if I really have it or just hoping that I do so I can finally have an answer for why I feel the way I do.
I will go ahead and start off with a brief description of my past to also aid you in helping me out. As a young kid and up through elementary school I was quite shy. Although this would seem usual for younger kids to me it just seemed to, well, get in the way of making friends or just being a kid in general. I felt more comfortable in my room watching TV or playing videogames by myself rather than being around anyone. I made a few friends here and there but looking back on it, it just doesn’t seem normal. From high-school and up until I was turned 20 things became worse to say the least. More time spent alone by myself doing things and I didn’t go out much at all so I just seemed to gain weight all the time. My self-esteem was rock bottom and self-hate just seemed to radiate from me. The ability to be able to socially interact and make friends seemed to worsen and the few I had would at times become abusive physically and mentally, I seemed to just serve as an example to others. This only further cut deeper into the depression, alienation and antisocial behaviors that I seemed to have. This increased to the point of self-mutilation and lots of thoughts of suicide. This of course was in my late teens and was unsure at the time about how to handle depression and that is all I knew. Eventually my parents caught on and I was taken to a doctor and prescribed anti-depressant medication but eventually stopped taking them. Reaching 20 years old I just seemed to become so disconnected and out of sync with reality that it started to cause real problems with family and what friends I had. Things eventually clicked in my mind and I had an extreme desire to change myself physically and mentally. Going out, going to the gym, starting college, trying to make friends…etc.
While I have dramatically changed from those three years ago when I began. I still feel mentally tortured day to day and at times it gets so extreme I cry myself to sleep. I do a lot of online reading and am taking psychology classes in college in hopes of just being able to understand these things. Although I am unsure if I am making myself believe I have these problems or if I really need to seek help.
I haven’t made the effort yet to talk to a doctor yet because I am really unsure where to start or where to go and I don’t really have the money. I don’t discuss these problems with friends or family because I do not believe they understand. While not every waking moment of my life is torture I would say about 3/4 of the time things are just dull and empty. Happiness doesn’t seem to exist, I almost never smile or find the want to. I easily lose interest in activities and other things that I have enjoyed in the past. Sadness is quite common and am easily pushed emotionally in one way or another. Crying episodes seem to happen quite often as I feel so very lonely, worthless and angered at myself for my failures in the past. Which sometimes become so extreme that I cry myself to sleep some nights. I feel out of energy and can’t ever seem to completely wake up as it feels like I am in a dazed mood all the time. I also at times find it hard to concentrate, especially when I am feeling really down. There is also times that I just do not want to talk to anyone or go anywhere at all, which I believe I am in right now. For an example, today was my birthday and I turned 23. I just really didn’t care that it was my birthday, if I went the entire day without anyone saying or doing anything I wouldn’t of even cared. I didn’t even make any attempts to go out with any friends or to even celebrate at all. I just feel empty and can find no happiness or joy in life.
Although depression is the main issue I believe other factors might as well contribute. While I have made an effort to help myself I still have a rather hard time socializing. I often at times get anxious and stressed in social situations. Especially around those I don’t know and even at times I feel anxious and stressed around my own family members. I have always found it hard to socially connect with anyone at all or finding something in common or even being able to indulge in small talk. I am very shy and most of the time short with people and often feel it might of been better if I just hadn’t even made the attempt to talk to anyone. After reading around it seems that there is a chance I have social-anxiety and if I remember correctly can attribute to depression?
Lastly I have led myself to believe there is a chance that I might be bipolar. The reason for this being is that it seems that I have large mood swings every month or two. This past November and December I slipped into bad depression and continued to stay depressed up through the beginning of January. Then my mood took a swing the other way and it was very uplifting as for once as I actually felt happy and things were going the right way. Although the end of February I believe I began a decline again and as of today I have began hitting a low point again it seems.
I am unsure of any of this as things seem so scrambled most of the time. But I am sure of one thing and that is that I want this mental anguish to end because it is really taking a toll on me. I also suppose I should put forward the fact that I do now and have in the past drank alcohol, smoked marijuana and took painkillers to just get away from it all. I find myself saying this a lot…but I just want to be normal for once. These problems are driving me out of my mind and I just want it to stop. I am unsure where to go, who to turn to or what to do. But I have got to start making steps I believe or I am going to lose control. So for whoever attempts to tackle this, thank you. Thank you very much for at least trying to help me make sense of it all.