I am very glad that, although you are having such a difficult time with your therapist, you have reached out by writing us. I admire your courage and continuing faith that something therapeutic can happen, even when it feels so hard.
Working through difficult issues with your therapist is always a struggle, often because the relationship holds many unique properties. It is often both the safest and riskiest connection we have with another human being. Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt Therapy, once referred to the therapeutic process as the “safe emergency.”
While I can’t know for certain it is possible the feelings you have toward the therapist may be telling you something about how you see authority figures, parents, or men. In therapy this is commonly called transference and can actually be the beginning of a breakthrough. There is too little information to know for sure, but asking yourself: “Is this a familiar feeling? Whom have I had this with before?” might be important. Then, of course, sharing this insight with your therapist would be important. There is more information about this phenomenon here. If this doesn’t sound like the right direction there is also the possibility you may want a second opinion and you can find someone in your city from this list.
Your feelings of wanting to hurt yourself and your dream should not be ignored. You are under a great deal of stress, particularly with school, and the stress of preparing for the future can make people want to give up. Your university has counselors who are very familiar with the emotional reactions of students embattled with parents and exams. I would encourage you to talk to them, even if you continue with your therapist, because they may have additional support groups for students and access to a hotline if you are feeling particularly overwhelmed on a given day. You may also want to ask them to recommend a psychiatrist who may be able to help with medication.
The butterfly emerging from the cocoon struggles, but in that effort develops the strength to fly. Your therapeutic journey may take a while to develop, but the fight is worth it.
Wishing you patience and peace,