I am glad you are writing to us about your situation. Your boyfriend has a clear pattern of intimidating and bullying behavior that will require you to get some support. Unfortunately there are too many instances of this type of intimidation, but there are several resources now available for coping with individuals like your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend.
There are several features here that I want to address, but the most important thing I want to convey is that you need to gather support for yourself and deal with this directly. Avoiding him by moving away will not make you feel safe or peaceful, and does not guarantee he won’t follow you.
First, I want you to know that you are not alone. Here are some resources on bullying in schools,and recent legislation ,which now extends the definition of bullying to “cyber-bullying” that includes IMs, texting, emails, Facebook, Myspace, etc. There are also state and federal laws you should know about.
Any relationship that is based on intimidation and manipulation through anger isn’t a relationship: It is a hostage situation. Both your college campus (and his high school) will have specific resources to help you cope with this. I would make an appointment with a counselor at your college and let him or her know of your concerns. They will be able to guide you through the emotional, and perhaps legal protection you may need. The other local resource available to you is the local women’s center. They can also provide counseling, legal advice, and if need be, shelter. You can find a local chapter through this organization.
You were most likely drawn to your boyfriend’s potential, not his reality. Often when someone has felt victimized thy are afraid of having their own power because they feel it makes them like the person who controlled them. But what you are seeking is self-empowerment, not abusive or controlling. It is part of self-care which is essential for emotional growth.
Knowing when to leave an unhealthy relationship is important because it sets a boundary and allows you to become more whole. I rarely give direct advice unless it appears that someone’s safety, or the safety of others, is in jeopardy. You say it is a miracle that he hasn’t hit you –yet. His history indicates that it is only a matter of time. He has grabbed you and locked you in a room. What’s next? Everything you have said about him, including the fact that he is charming, is likely to be part of a larger pattern of antisocial or misogynistic behavior. Your fear is enough to make the decision. Protect yourself emotionally and legally. Don’t wait until it escalates. Get out now.
Once the crisis passes you may want to continue in counseling to understand a bit more about why you were drawn to him in the first place. This should help as you move on.
Wishing you patience and peace,