When these rage feelings are at the boiling point we want to turn down the heat right away. Your history of attempted suicide and these thoughts about your mother are strong warnings for you, and you need some direct help. You writing this letter tells me that your instinct for self-care is in the right direction, but now you need a professional to work with and sort this through. Please find someone locally from this list and help you learn where this rage is coming from, and how to manage it. You might want to ask your guidance counselor from school to help.
The combination of therapy and medicine is the best-known way to deal with depression and rage. For some reason your mother blocked your progress by not allowing you to continue with medicine that was working. When you find a professional to work with ask them if they would consider talking with your mother to help educate her on your treatment. Again, you school’s guidance counselor might be the best first contact.
One way of understanding what you are going through is to know that depression comes from a feeling of helplessness. When we feel helpless about bringing needed changes into our life we can get very agitated, or withdrawn and depressed. Your rage may be the result of feeling helpless in some areas.
To start feeling empowered get some control back into your life. Having power and being in charge over some part of your day should help. Maybe you can’t control what others have done to you, but you can direct your energy to managing what you can on your life. This means clean out your closet, wash the dishes in the sink, and knock off some of the things on the to-do list instead of dwelling on what hasn’t gone right. A moderate degree of accomplishment can go a long way in staving off helplessness, often at the very root of a depression.
Wishing you patience and peace,