Of course you’re upset. You are angry with the guy for being so callous about something that meant so much to you. And you’re angry with yourself for not having read the guy or the situation correctly. But – please – give yourself a break! You were only 15 at the time. You were in love, inexperienced, and swept off your feet by an older guy who filled up the empty place left by your disappointment in your dad. You were vulnerable and the boyfriend took advantage of that vulnerability in an inexcusable way.
We’ll never know why he did it. He may not even know himself. What matters is that you are giving an event that happened 5 years ago so much power over you. Do you really want this fellow’s bad behavior to determine whether you can love and be loved? Do you really want to let his betrayal of your trust color your attitude toward all men and all love? He’s just not worthy of being given such an important place in your life!
You are fortunate to live in a city where there are lots of competent counselors who can give you some help. Please ask your doctor or someone else you trust for a referral. You’ve been spinning around this problem for so long that you can’t seem to find your way out. With a counselor’s support you can get beyond this traumatic event. With time and attention, you can feel safe opening yourself up to love again. There are good men out there. Really. You deserve the chance to be loved, cherished, and respected in a relationship with a man you love, cherish, and respect.
I wish you well.