“Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.” This quote by Robert Cody gives us the starting place to unravel some of what you are telling me. You are going in two directions at once. This is like pointing the front wheels of a car away from each other and expecting it to move forward.
What I notice about your comments is that they are contradictions. You say, “Alcohol is not the problem,” then explain daily drinking, blackouts, and a hospitalization as a result. You want someone in your family to care, but then isolate yourself by going into your room. In effect you are telling them you want to be alone, then feel bad when they don’t call you to dinner. You describe the world as a horrible place, and there is nothing to look forward to, yet you are a vegetarian. I’m vegetarian as well, and what I know from being part of that community is that, at least at some level, vegetarians are about making conscious choices because they believe in something. That something is about the future.
You stop going to therapy and are surprised that it doesn’t work. If a therapist had followed up would you have simply said it was too little, too late? Perhaps. You are saying that you don’t matter to yourself, and that you don’t matter to others, but then explain how much your 5 little half-sisters, your half-brother, your mom, step-mom, and dad all mean to you.
At the core what a good therapist will help you see that you have become your own obstacle. You want others to care enough so you can improve, but then do everything to keep them away. To use your own words about therapy: I stop going because I know they don’t care. This means you won’t let anyone care. You’ve decided they can’t help, so you don’t let them, creating hurdles that become walls. Why you do this is the mystery, but if you give one a chance and some time, a good therapist might help you figure it out. Here is a list, and some suggestions in how to choose one. But you’ve already experienced three; you might want to consider returning to someone who is familiar with your story. In the interim the Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255), is a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. You can also talk to someone here directly.
Your drinking is a problem. ANY therapist will tell you that, and that means dealing with it directly. Here is the link for Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, it is another way you are sabotaging yourself. There you will find caring support for you, but you are the one that must find the courage to change.
Finally, you say: I have no illusions about my condition, and I know there is no solution. If you believe there are no solutions there won’t be, and if you think you have no illusions how could anyone change your mind?
You didn’t think anyone would read the letter, but now someone has. I hope you use this as an opportunity to let a therapist, and the support from AA help.
Wishing you patience and peace,