There are so many things I would like to touch down on I do not know where to begin. I feel like a half person, a failure, of little more worth than nothing. I can not sleep or I sleep too much, it affects me deeply. I am in college, yet I can not make my classes because I am always fatigued. I blame my academic failure on my laziness but I know deep down in my heart it is my emotional instability.
I try to remedy my feelings with eating or cleaning. Both of which occupy the entirety of my life. Lately I have not been eating well; I can no longer bring myself to eat the foods which once brought me great joy. As for my need to clean, it is at an all time high. I do my laundry 3 times a day, and feel a great need to organize my clothing and cleaning supplies according to size, color, and texture. I also have to constantly check this order. These things occupy what is left of my day.
On another note, I can not deal with my anger. I often suppress it. I try to mimic the faces of the people around me because I not in touch with myself. Lately I developed a habit of stealing when I get angry, since angry is my mood everyday I steal everyday.
My emotions vary so intensely. I can be exceedingly happy and confident, so confident, and then at like the drop of a dime I am sad. I get so sad, it is almost disabling, it is disabling. Sometimes I am even silently hostile. So much so my judgment is impaired. I become bedridden and unable to do anything. Except clean that is.
Everything in my life is disabling. When I am not bedridden my body has to be in action, I can not stop moving even for a second. When I do stop, I become intensely feverish. I am not even social; being around people makes me so anxious as if I am a specimen on display at a museum. Lastly, my relationships with men are destructive. I implore so much into a perspective suitor I convince myself I am in love with them before knowing anything about them. I am afraid of being left behind or being rejected.
Sometimes I wonder if I should end my life, I have tried before, I find myself thinking of ways to do so. And it is very vague but sometimes I think someone is talking to me, someone beyond my conscious, some unseen being. Help me.