It is difficult to give a diagnosis over the Internet. I often try to steer people away from focusing on a particular diagnosis. I also understand that some people want a diagnosis because it can guide treatment and provide a basis for understanding their personal experiences.
You mentioned that you are in counseling through the university but that you want a different therapist. Perhaps you feel that the university counseling is not enough. If so, then you should ask your current therapist to refer you to a new therapist. Maybe you could see both the university counseling therapist and the new therapist. When searching for a new therapist, choose one who can help you delve deeper into your issues. That may be what’s missing in your current counseling sessions.
I cannot offer you a diagnosis but I do believe that you are sincerely struggling. I believe your issues are serious, evidenced by your frequent desire to want to end your life. The good news is that your problems are solvable. Many of the symptoms you have described are related to low self-esteem. You don’t think highly of yourself. In addition to low self-esteem, you believe that you should be punished for certain behaviors or simply because of who you are. You engage in self-destructive acts. You are not thinking logically and that, among the other reasons listed, is why you should continue to pursue counseling. Counseling can also help you learn how to have successful relationships, which is another area that you seem to be struggling with.
Unfortunately, many people come to the incorrect conclusion that the only way to solve their life problems is to harm themselves or to consider suicide. I believe that people come to this conclusion because they don’t know how to deal with their problems. If they knew another way they would probably choose it. If an individual does not learn these skills from their parents or a wise mentor then they have to figure it out for themselves. Problem solving skills, among other types of skills, can be learned in therapy.
I am strongly encouraged that you are currently in counseling and are looking for more help. You are not giving up and I commend you for this. I would suggest that you speak to your current therapist about a referral. With the right help you can change the way you feel and your life could be greatly improved. Please keep up the great work and know that it may not be easy, it may take time but you are on the right track and life can get better for you. Here is a link to Psychology Today if you wish to search for a new therapist. Thanks for writing.