I am glad you decided to write. It must be difficult to feel confused and alone. I’m sorry you’re having a difficult experience.
You mentioned that your life would be easier if you could accept your assigned gender. Yes, that is very true but as you noted, you can’t. Just like an individual with depression cannot simply “stop” being depressed, you cannot “stop” your desire to be a male. It’s not that simple.
Have you considered seeing a therapist who specializes in transgender issues? I believe it is important that you consult with a specialist. I believe this because of your suicidal thoughts. Transgendered individuals have higher rates of suicide compared to the general population. That may be because they often feel alone, confused and depressed. You could benefit from support and education. Below is a list of websites. They may help you with the issues you are facing, connect you with other individuals who are having similar experiences, and hopefully lead you to a therapist who specializes in helping individuals struggling with transgender related issues. It would be helpful if you had a support system. It could make a big difference in your life.
One of your concerns is being accepted by others. I can understand your concern. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to understand your desire to be male. Negative-judgmental reactions are usually the result of ignorance. The solution is to stop worrying about the opinions of others. I recognize that may not be an easy task. Ignoring the opinion of others is hopefully something that you will learn to do over time. You cannot please everyone nor should you try. There may always be people who do not understand your predicament and thus have a negative opinion of you. It is an unfortunate reality. Your energy is better focused on how you can gain access to resources and therapeutic alliances. You need to surround yourself with individuals who are understanding and supportive.
You are facing a difficult challenge. To varying degrees, we all face difficult challenges in life. This is your particular challenge. It is easier to avoid life challenges. That may be why some people consider suicide when life becomes difficult. It’s easier not to have to face difficult problems. Nobody likes it. It’s never fun. It’s psychologically difficult and when possible, many people will go to great lengths to avoid dealing with an unpleasant reality. Avoidance is the wrong approach. Try a new approach and attitude. Believe in yourself and have faith that you can confront this challenge and succeed. Many people have. The first step is finding a therapist and or support system. It can make your life easier and more manageable.
I hope you’re able to find help and support. Please keep me updated on your status. I wish you well.