Ever since i can remember I have always been an angry person. I snap at my mom for stupid things(to the point where i’m screaming at her for nothing, and i know its wrong when im doing it but i do it anyways)and i over analyize EVERYTHING. If you were to meet me you would think that I didn’t have a care in the world. I work in retail and i have been called “fun, bubbily, always happy*, adorable” etc. I feel like i have this act at my job where i just don’t want them to see my angry side, so i don’t show it to them. The only people i actually release all of my anger towards is my mom, sister, and my boyfriend.
The one place i am never angry is my other job at a daycare. I work with kids and no matter how stressed out i am, or how many bad things i’m dealing with at the time, i never feel anger towards them. I have about 4 close friends, and I would consider myself to be a VERY loyal friend. However, i am very clingy and i do not like to be by myself. If i am alone i feel like a loser and unless i am watching tv or unless i am occupied by something else, i will just sit there and think of how insane i am. I am constantly giving my friends advice, and i would consider myself very insightful and i am VERY good at reading people; however, when it coems to my own life, i feel like i am not in control and that i am constantly making bad decesions.
When i am not in control of something, i feel extremely anxious and angry. I am very good at talking to people and I appear to be very confident. However, that is not the case at all. People who know me well would say that i have anger problems. I am insecure to the point where i am CONSTANTLY thinking bad things about myself (like how i’m insane, or evil). I have been dating the same guy on and off for 5 years. I am only 18 and i have never been without my boyfriend. He has cheated on me multiple times and i still go back to him. In a way, I almost feel worthless without him. I feel like if i’m not with him then he will move on and be happy and no one else will ever want to be with me because i’m a bad person.
I have been to multiple therapists and many of them blamed my obessive thinking on the fact that my parents divorced when i was only 3 years old. It enraged me to hear that (because i am perfectly happy with my living situation, with my mom) but as the years go by, i have started to think that because i don’t have a strong male role model in my life that that is the reason why i am so extremly dependant on my boyfriend. I am very jealous and i always think of things in a negative way. For example, i am going away with my friends for new years, and as soon as i found out my boyfriend was going and staying in a different hotel i automatically think that hes going to have sex with another girl, or that he’ll ruin my trip somehow. It’s like i get these messed up thoughts, and it’s like subconciously i want them to happen so i can be right; and when these terrible thoughts do happen,
i have many suicidal thoughts and I become extremely depressed. I think about killing myself at least once a day. I know that i will never follow through with it, but sometimes i am just so down on myself i feel like i don’t even want to be me anymore.
I have been a marijuana user for about 4 years now. Within the past 2 years, i have smoked weed every day. Within the last 6 months or so, i started “sketching” really badly. I am always very anxious when i smoke weed, especially when i am alone. I often think that there are ghosts in my room, or i think that there is someone in my house. Every single night i will smoke a bowl in my room, and just sit there and think about how messed up i am and how everyone would think i am crazy if they knew my thoughts. I cannot stop smoking weed. Even though it makes me think messed up thoughts sometimes, it occasionally makes me feel normal because my state of mind is altered and i am not myself for an hour or so.
Another thing that has been an issue for me for YEARS now would be my phobia of someone coming into my house. Every night before i go to bed i think that there is someone in my house and i think that they are going to kill me or kidnap me. It doesnt mater if i check my whole house, or lock my bedroom door, i still think that someone is going to kill me and TONIGHT is going to be the night that i die. I’m also very scared when it comes to driving. I do not drive, and when i am with my friends, i constnatly think about how they are going so fast and i always think we are going to get into an accident. I have a lot of trouble concentarting, and even when it comes to something simple (like readinga book for school), i will pick the book up and start to cry because i am so frusterated and don’t want to do it. I am not a stupid person, and when i was in highschool if i were to actually do an assignment, i would get around a 90%. But most of the time i woudlnt even bother handing it in because i am afaird of failure. I also think that i always have something wrong with me (like a sickness) and my mom often calls me a “hypochondriac.”
To conclude, i know that i have problems. Sometimes i feel like i overanalyze my thoughts so much and that is why i think i’m crazy. Often people tell me i just need to “chill” but i feel like i cant. I don’t know what to do :(