There seems to a disconnect between what you are attempting to do with your life and how you are going about it. You are interested in developing yourself and growing as a human being yet you are looking to others for answers.
You used the word self-actualization. Self-actualization is an ongoing, lifelong process. According to Abraham Maslow, the psychologist who studied characteristics of self-actualizing individuals, it means that an individual becomes more fully who they are. It is the process of becoming more fully human, more fully yourself, realizing your potential. Self-actualizing individuals are thought to be the mentally healthiest people. To learn more about self-actualization I would suggest reading the work of Maslow directly. One of his books about this topic is Motivation and Personality. In lieu of a therapist, his work could be used as a guide to understanding how to improve your life, how to change your thinking and how to become more fully who you are.
One of the characteristics of self-actualizing individuals is that they do not rely on the opinion of others to feel good about themselves. They are essentially immune to the opinions of others. If you were able to develop this characteristic (anyone can) then you would no longer need or rely on the opinion of others.
Your self-esteem should be self-determined, not determined by others. Relying on the opinion of others may lead you astray. Are others really qualified to have opinions about you? Are they in a place to advise you about how to live your life?
You smoke marijuana. Psychologically healthy individuals do not use mind-altering substances. They don’t need to. Smoking marijuana is not only psychologically unhealthy but makes you more likely to focus on negative aspects of yourself. It’s clearly not helping you.
There are other self-help books you may want to review in addition to the work of Abraham Maslow. One book that is quite popular is The Road Less Traveled by psychiatrist M. Scott Peck. I would highly recommend it as well as his other books. His writing style is easy to follow and engaging.
I hope this answers your question. As you alluded to in your letter, it is difficult to give you a fully comprehensive answer when I know so little about your life and situation. I appreciate your question and I hope that you will find some answers in the suggested books.