The inability to finish a task has got to be the one aspect of my personality I am simply failing to cope with. Through the years I have been able to learn and adapt myself so I can function in a small measure, but this bleeding away of my motivations has become unmanageable.
I have been stamped with many mental disorders such as, depression, generalized anxiety, primary insomnia, agoraphobia and others I care not to mention. However, I have been able to overcome many of those issues after my last break down during which I had a major life style change concerning my health.
I manage my depression very well and am in good control of dead spells. Anxiety is not a issue since I quit smoking, years back. If fact I believe most of my issues started with smoking but did not all end with it.
To get to the point, I am not responding to any type of positive nor negative motivation anymore. This is not the usual end of the world, depressive, can’t do anything emotion. There is no conflict what so ever. It is just “powered off”. I don’t feel depressed, not like I was years back.
At this moment I am trying to get through a bunch of red tape to get medical assistance for a heart condition I have developed but I just can’t seem to go out. It is a rather serious condition that I need to take care of but I can not motivate myself, even though I am in physical pain. This is not a uncommon pattern for me not to be motivated, not finish things, or do what I should. I don’t know why, tasks I do manage to take on are easy for me and don’t really cause me distress if I don’t have to do them even though many people find such tasks complex, impossible or mind numbing.
It is just now that I really really have to do something and now I have a brick for a lower brain that won’t move. I am sure it will be very good if I just get what I need done to take care of this problem. To put a scale on it I would say this is more demotivating then extreme shame but there is no emotion other then a slowly building frustration or the inability to do simple tasks.
Thanks for reading, hope it makes some sense. ;)