What a hard time! I’m so sorry that you felt desperate enough to want to die. I’m so very glad you figured out in time that the person who had the most to lose by your death is you!
Your relationship with your mother seems very complicated. On the one hand, she left you when you were very young to make a better life for her children and then kept her promise and brought you and your brother to the States. On the other hand, you don’t feel that she is sensitive to your needs. I hope someday the two of you can have a real talk about how things have been from both your perspective and hers. The only thing I know for sure from your letter is that it hasn’t been easy.
For now, though, you need to find a way to stick with the insight you had when you were dying. This is your life. You can make of it what you want. At 18, you are old enough to either get a job or go to school to begin your adult life. Focus on making a group of friends who can be there for each other. Don’t forget to include older people in your life who can offer you support and wisdom. See if you can patch things up with your aunt who, after all, has been like a second mom for you for many years. One fight, even a big one, shouldn’t undo all of that.
You may find that you need some professional help as well. I think you would get some relief if you could talk out some of your problems instead of bottling them up inside. Check into local mental health clinics to see if there are some support groups or therapy options you can afford. In the meantime, if you ever have those “I want to die” feelings again, please call a warmline. The Boys and Girls Town National Hotline is staffed 24/7 with counselors who are there to talk to young people who are feeling alone and desperate. The number there is 800-448-3000. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline works in the same way. Counselors are available 24 hours a day to talk to people and to help them find local resources. Their number is 800-273-8255.
You made an important beginning by deciding to live your life. Now, please, hold onto that conviction and find the support you need to do it.
I wish you well.