I need to know what’s wrong with me. I am 16. I can’t take being me anymore. im not suicidal so i dont know why im having thoughts. i was diagnosed with depression in arpil 09…and in nov 08 i finally let it out that i was sexually abused by a family member….since september ive been feel even more down and overwhelmed. i go in to this rages and i throw things and scream and cry and cut. im out of control. my mood swings are horrible!
i go from ok to extremely hper were i talk really fast and i feel invincible, i scream…i like that mood though even though i get yelled at sometimes….then i get severely depressed and i have no desire to be here…..my head feels like its going to explode!
i always feel like everyone is mad at me, or doesn’t like me or is sick of me. i feel like that with my dchool counselors so i would stop going to them for a while til they come to me. my dad took me out of therapy (i was going for sexual abuse) and hes so mean, and makes me angry. my parents are divorced and hate each other
i cant concentrate on anything which makes school harder….i feel like im not here just walking and breathing…my dad said after one of my many bad nights that he was going to commit me in a hospital because he sees how bad i am….right now he doesnt have the money to send me to the hospital…so im alone and i hate being alone….i really need help.Worsening Depression
One of my favorite lines in the Viktor Frankl book Man’s Search For Meaning is “an abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.” I believe this line is applicable to your situation. You endured sexual abuse and it is a very traumatic experience. You were receiving help to deal with the trauma associated with the sexual abuse but were forced to terminate treatment prematurely. Since then, you have been treated badly by your father and exposed to your parents’ ugly divorce battle. You are alone, without help and are suffering. I can understand why you are upset and overwhelmed. There is nothing “wrong” with you; you seem to be having a normal reaction to an abnormal and very difficult situation.
You stated that you had been seeing school counselors but stopped because you felt like you were an annoyance to them. You are not an annoyance to them. School counselors are trained to deal with these issues. Among survivors of sexual abuse, feeling that you are a burden to others is a common feeling. Sexual abuse can negatively affect a person’s self-esteem. It can make a person feel like they are “no good” or inferior. You need and deserve help. You need help now more than ever. That is why it is important that you go back to the school counselors even if you feel that they do not want to see you. I would strongly advise you to ignore those negative thoughts (because they are not true) and to go to the school counselors immediately.
Also, with regard to the hospital, you can be admitted even if your family does not have the money to afford it. Most hospitals have social workers who can assist with finding health insurance for low-income families. Also, many hospitals have charity funds that may help pay for hospital stays. If you need to go to the hospital because you might harm yourself or someone else, then you should not hesitate to go. Your safety is paramount.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or contemplating suicide then please call this number 800-273-8255. Always call 911 if it is an emergency situation, but you may find the suicide hotline helpful when you need someone to talk to.
Lastly, please know that things can get better for you. Life is tough now but it will likely improve. Please consider returning to the school counselors. They can help you. I wish you luck.