One of my favorite lines in the Viktor Frankl book Man’s Search For Meaning is “an abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.” I believe this line is applicable to your situation. You endured sexual abuse and it is a very traumatic experience. You were receiving help to deal with the trauma associated with the sexual abuse but were forced to terminate treatment prematurely. Since then, you have been treated badly by your father and exposed to your parents’ ugly divorce battle. You are alone, without help and are suffering. I can understand why you are upset and overwhelmed. There is nothing “wrong” with you; you seem to be having a normal reaction to an abnormal and very difficult situation.
You stated that you had been seeing school counselors but stopped because you felt like you were an annoyance to them. You are not an annoyance to them. School counselors are trained to deal with these issues. Among survivors of sexual abuse, feeling that you are a burden to others is a common feeling. Sexual abuse can negatively affect a person’s self-esteem. It can make a person feel like they are “no good” or inferior. You need and deserve help. You need help now more than ever. That is why it is important that you go back to the school counselors even if you feel that they do not want to see you. I would strongly advise you to ignore those negative thoughts (because they are not true) and to go to the school counselors immediately.
Also, with regard to the hospital, you can be admitted even if your family does not have the money to afford it. Most hospitals have social workers who can assist with finding health insurance for low-income families. Also, many hospitals have charity funds that may help pay for hospital stays. If you need to go to the hospital because you might harm yourself or someone else, then you should not hesitate to go. Your safety is paramount.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or contemplating suicide then please call this number 800-273-8255. Always call 911 if it is an emergency situation, but you may find the suicide hotline helpful when you need someone to talk to.
Lastly, please know that things can get better for you. Life is tough now but it will likely improve. Please consider returning to the school counselors. They can help you. I wish you luck.