I think it is important that you try to talk about your issues with a therapist. I cannot tell if you are uncomfortable talking about your issues in general or if you do not like your particular therapist. If it is the latter, then consider making an appointment with another therapist. You do not have to keep the same therapist. If you find someone who you like and trust, then you may have an easier time discussing your issues. The right therapist can make all the difference.
As I alluded to above, a large part of being helped requires that you be willing to share your thoughts and feelings. The depression you are experiencing is understandable. It makes perfect sense. Many people would feel the same way. You lost your father to suicide. Losing a loved one, especially in such a tragic manner, is one of the most difficult experiences in a person’s life. I suspect that you have yet to properly grieve the loss of your father. In addition to your father’s death, your current living situation is stressful. The stress associated with your living situation is negatively impacting you at school. You are suffering emotionally and you are struggling to function day-to-day.
My biggest concern about your letter is that you are contemplating suicide. You need to know that there are many ways to handle the issues you are facing. Suicide is never the answer. People often feel suicidal when they feel there is nothing left for them to try. If you examined your situation logically, you would see that you have yet to try treatment. You went once and barely spoke. Help is available. Psychotherapy helps millions of people. You can be helped too, if you give treatment a chance.
What if you had a friend who was struggling with issues in her life? What advice would you give her? What if she wanted to end her life? You would probably beg and plead with her not to do it. Why? Probably because you would see that she could be helped and committing suicide would be an absolute tragedy. It is difficult to think clearly and logically when you are in the depths of depression. Thinking about it from the perspective of a concerned friend may help you to better understand why suicide is never the answer.
My advice is that you try to attend psychotherapy appointments and change therapists if needed. Force yourself to go if you have to. It might take a while to feel comfortable about opening up in therapy and that is okay. Not everyone comes into therapy ready and willing to share their life’s story in the first few sessions. It takes time to build trust between a client and therapist, just like it would in any other relationship.
If you are actively suicidal and strongly considering harming yourself then please call 911 or go the emergency room immediately. If you need someone to speak with or are feeling overwhelmed don’t hesitate to call the suicidal hotline. Their number is 800-273-8255.
Lastly, I must reiterate this to you: suicide is not the answer. Suicide is a human tragedy. People who have attempted suicide and lived often thank God that they did not die. Usually they see that life does improve for them. They see that help is available. Life can get better for you, just like it did for all those other people who like you were convinced that it would not. Learn from the people who nearly died from a suicide attempt and lived to witness an improvement in their lives.