Im writing because I’ve been told I should talk to someone. Every day, more and more, I feel like I just want to be alone. I used to love being around people, and friends, and family. Now, every day I go to work, come home, and sit at home and pretty much do nothing. If someone invites me to something, I find that I make excuses not to go. If someone asks if I want to go get a few drinks at a bar or get something to eat, I find a reason not to go. This wasn’t me 4 years ago.
Alot has happened in the last 4 years though. I used to be a very happy person. Genuinely happy. I was with the woman I thought I wanted to marry. I loved her very much. She had a son from another man that I also loved very much, and treated him like he was my own. About 2 years into our relationship, she married her son’s father without me knowing. A year later, she came to me and told me she had married him, saying she only did it for more money to support her son. My income was the only money we had to work with, and apparently wasn’t enough. I later came to find out marrying him was the only way he could be deployed into active duty for the Army without him giving up his rights to his son. So, she lied to me, I forgave her because I was fooled, and I stayed with her, sort of. She ended up deciding she wanted her son to be with his “real dad” and that she was going to move to Europe with him and live on a military base.
We never lost our feelings for each other. She realized the mistake she had made after she moved to Europe, and still realizes it to this day. I still love her, but it hurts to love someone so much and not be able to be with them. Because of this, I tried to just cut her out of my life by not talking to her anymore. That ended up just hurting even more.
Now, after almost a year of not talking to her, I decided to let her back into my life. She now lives back in the U.S., but a few states away. We’ve been talking on and off for the past few weeks. That’s part 1.
Two years ago my mother died. I loved her more than anyone in this world. If there was anyone I wish was still here with me, it would be her. I miss her so much, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. She died of breast cancer. She fought very long, and very hard. She was very brave. I hope I can be as strong as my mother someday. So to say the least, I haven’t really come to terms with her death yet. I don’t know how to.
So to sum it all up and get to my point, both of these horrible things happened within 1 year of each other. I haven’t been the same since. People have told me I need to see a doctor/psychiatrist, I should be on medication, I should “forget about it” and I should move on with my life. I can’t move on. This is why I’m writing. I just need a professional opinion on what to do next. I constantly feel sad and depressed, and can’t stand being around a bunch of people at once. I feel like I want to find another love interest one minute, then feel like I just want to be single for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel lonely, and then sometimes I’ll want to be alone. I’m very confused, and I don’t know which major thing of the 2 affected me more. Please help.