My name is irrelevant much like my life. It’s hard to find a place to start, so I guess I will start with my childhood. My parents were extremely overprotective of me. In other words, I was “hidden” from most of my childhood. I was in a small school with no friends. The kids would always mock me and beat me up. When I came home from school bloody, my parents would ask what happened. I would always tell them that it was sports or that I fell. When I came of age, (highschool) I rebelled against everything and everyone and I think this is where my actually depression begain. As highschool went on I got involved with drugs (nothing hardcore) like weed. I was never liked by any girls in highschool and was liked by a select group that was just as messed up as I was. Anyway moving along after I graduated highschool I went to college and was living with my aunt on my mom’s side of the family. She had said that I could stay there until I found someone to room with out at school. She ended up kicking me out of her house for no reason 2nd semester. I then moved in with one friend that I had 150 miles from my school. Since I lost my job from the move I couldn’t stay in college and dropped out. I found a job at a gas station eventually and met some people that were into cocaine. It’s a long story but to make it short, I was 19 years old and shot in the knee with a .38 special. I then went back home and got heavially involved with drugs. I was doing weed all the time cocaine, any pills you can think of. I was diagnosed with serious depression in which the doctor gave me more pills. I abused them and he said that he could not help me. It is also important to note that I have tried to kill myself by hanging, cutting, shooting, and ODing. I realized that I had to try to help myself so I quit all the drugs and started drinking. My depression lightened a bit. I thought I had finally beat it. But recently I moved to a new state and it keeps resurfacing. I just want to find love and a reason to be here. I’m also a virgin and at 23 longing to find someone that won’t judge you negativally because of that is extremely hard. I’m just so tired. So sick. So distant. So lonely. So hurt. So angry. I had these things well but you can only bury so much before it explodes. I’m afraid that I’m going to either kill myself or go on a killing spree. PLEASE HELP ME! Tell me how to make the pain end finally so I can have rest and peace.How Can I End The Pain?
How Can I End The Pain?
I am sorry you are suffering. Realize there is help for you. It is not clear from your letter whether you have help or support from family, friends or mental health professionals. My assumption is that you do not. If so, this is what is lacking. You are dealing with a multitude of complicated issues and you need support. Research shows that people who have a support system have an easier time managing psychological distress than those who don’t. People who have the support of others are also less likely to commit suicide.
Your issues began as a young child. Your parents were overprotective. This may have led to problems in your development. You felt like an outcast in high school. Ultimately, you wound up with legal trouble and using drugs and alcohol. Usually people who use drugs and alcohol do so to bury their problems. You were briefly successful in stopping your drug use and dealing with your depression. That success was short-lived, perhaps because you lacked a support system and because it is simply difficult to stop drugs and alcohol “cold turkey.”
You must be suffering tremendously to believe that harming yourself or other people is the solution to your problems. You must realize that it isn’t. When people cannot think of an alternative way to relieve their suffering they oftentimes decide to kill themselves, or worse, kill others. Usually these decisions are made impulsively in the midst of great emotional turmoil. They’re not well thought out. It’s difficult to think logically when you’re driven by strong emotions. Those who have attempted suicide and lived, usually find they can be helped and can get better.
You did not mention anywhere in your letter whether you have tried counseling. There are millions of people who feel like you and were able to be helped with counseling. In fact, many people are in counseling because of an issue stemming from their childhood. We cannot control what happened in our youth but we have the potential to alter the course of our lives as adults. As adults, we have a responsibility to correct the mistakes made by our parents. You have the power to do this. Your parents no longer control you or your behavior. You are free to do what you want. Overcoming depression is not going to be easy and it’s going to take a lot of work but counseling is the ideal place to deal with your problems. I strongly suggest you consider this approach. Choose life over death.
If you feel that you want to harm yourself or others go immediately to the emergency room. It is important to go to an emergency room if you’re having thoughts of harming yourself or somebody else. The emergency room can protect you from destroying your life or the life of others.