I am sorry you are suffering. Realize there is help for you. It is not clear from your letter whether you have help or support from family, friends or mental health professionals. My assumption is that you do not. If so, this is what is lacking. You are dealing with a multitude of complicated issues and you need support. Research shows that people who have a support system have an easier time managing psychological distress than those who don’t. People who have the support of others are also less likely to commit suicide.
Your issues began as a young child. Your parents were overprotective. This may have led to problems in your development. You felt like an outcast in high school. Ultimately, you wound up with legal trouble and using drugs and alcohol. Usually people who use drugs and alcohol do so to bury their problems. You were briefly successful in stopping your drug use and dealing with your depression. That success was short-lived, perhaps because you lacked a support system and because it is simply difficult to stop drugs and alcohol “cold turkey.”
You must be suffering tremendously to believe that harming yourself or other people is the solution to your problems. You must realize that it isn’t. When people cannot think of an alternative way to relieve their suffering they oftentimes decide to kill themselves, or worse, kill others. Usually these decisions are made impulsively in the midst of great emotional turmoil. They’re not well thought out. It’s difficult to think logically when you’re driven by strong emotions. Those who have attempted suicide and lived, usually find they can be helped and can get better.
You did not mention anywhere in your letter whether you have tried counseling. There are millions of people who feel like you and were able to be helped with counseling. In fact, many people are in counseling because of an issue stemming from their childhood. We cannot control what happened in our youth but we have the potential to alter the course of our lives as adults. As adults, we have a responsibility to correct the mistakes made by our parents. You have the power to do this. Your parents no longer control you or your behavior. You are free to do what you want. Overcoming depression is not going to be easy and it’s going to take a lot of work but counseling is the ideal place to deal with your problems. I strongly suggest you consider this approach. Choose life over death.
If you feel that you want to harm yourself or others go immediately to the emergency room. It is important to go to an emergency room if you’re having thoughts of harming yourself or somebody else. The emergency room can protect you from destroying your life or the life of others.