Hello and thank you for your question:
It sounds as though you are having an awful time, but here’s what I was thinking when I read your note. You say that you were diagnosed with depression at an early age, and that you had some terribly angry periods growing up. You indicated that your anger is now under control, yet you describe yourself as hating nearly everyone and everything.
If you have not had a physical recently, ask your parents to take you to your doctor so he can rule out anything physical that may be going on. Many things change during adolescence, and sometimes they are things that can be helped. For instance, if you are taking acne medications, they have been shown to cause or worsen depression and anger. Also, if you are doing any kind of street drugs or alcohol, they can worsen anger or depression as well.
It is also possible that your depression medications (if you are taking any) are no longer working. The fact is, we can get to the point when they aren’t as effective, and that’s the time when our physicians need to know so they can make the appropriate adjustments. If you are not taking any meds, then you should probably get back on them. They really will help you bring your hatred under control and you can begin having a “normal” life again. That is not to say that much of anything is normal about adolescence. On the contrary, adolescence is about finding your identity in a herd of sheep, working to separate yourself from others, and moving toward adulthood.
There is no period in your life that is much more painful. It’s a horrible time, when you aren’t quite sure who you are or what you want to be, but everyone else seems to be ok with themselves and their friends. Honestly? Most of them are feeling just as bad as you are. Trust me on this; I have worked with many, many teens and most of them are frustrated, angry, depressed and suffering in very similar ways that you are. It’s sad to say that normal adolescence is often painful, but here’s the good news: it will pass. You may never look back at this period in your life as great, but you may see, sometime down the road, that it was a necessary period of growth and adjustment.
In the meantime, consider what I said about your medications, and also consider, if you could, seeing a therapist who specializes in working with teens. There are some great ones out there and he or she can make a huge difference in your life. You can locate one in your area at Find A Therapist.
I hope this helps,
Dr. Diana Walcutt