You’ve described some of the symptoms associated with borderline personality disorder, but I could never know if that was your diagnosis based on a short letter. To be diagnosed properly, you would have to be evaluated in person by a professional trained to offer mental health diagnoses.
You have written about many issues. The main theme of your letter is that you are experiencing deep psychological pain. You feel empty. To fill the void and to actually feel something, you engage in activities such as smoking, substance abuse, excessive eating, and having sex. These activities make you feel something and it’s probably a good feeling. The problem is that feeling is short-lived.
In addition, those behaviors are self-destructive. They may make you feel better in the short term, but over time, you will likely have to engage in these activities for longer periods of time to gain the same effect. For instance, you may have to consume more drugs to feel the same high. Unfortunately, if you continue down this path, it may lead to self-destruction.
Two things are clear from your letter. You feel a void and you’re engaging in harmful activities to fill this void. Why you feel the void is less clear. I strongly recommend that you consider therapy. In therapy, you can explore why you’re engaging in self-destructive behaviors. You can also learn a new set of healthy behaviors.
Please know that other people have experienced very similar problems and have been helped by therapy. You’re methods for helping yourself are ineffective. I hope you will consider seeking professional mental health assistance. If you’d like to search for therapist in your area please consult this directory.