It’s very complicated, but I’ll try to explain as best as I can, because I desperately want to know what is wrong with me.
I am sad. All the time. I feel lonely, and needy. I loathe myself. I purposely push myself away from others, before they can reject me (which they surely would.). I hold things in for long periods of time and slowly let the pour out. I cry a lot.
Sometimes I cut myself. I’m not always sure why I even do it, but most times it’s to numb the pain inside me, to distract myself. I have picked on my younger sister since we were toddlers and I can’t seem to stop. It brings me all kinds of guilt. Thoughts come into my head, as if someone else is thinking them. I want them to stop, but they never do.
I have dreams that are very random and often disturbing. I think about ways to kill myself frequently, and occasionally about killing others. But I could never kill another person, I tend to empathsize with people to an extreme level. It seems like I am constantly looking over my shoulder, expecting someone to be there.
I seldom feel wanted. I don’t want to tell anyone, yet I desperately want help. I can’t hope, I believe it is stupid. I feel helpless, and lost. I feel like I am alone is this world. That I’ll never get better, that I’ll always be damaged and unwanted.
I am never hungry, yet I eat grand amounts. I stay awake at night and want to sleep during the day. I feel the need to distract myself from the real world, and hide my pain. If I read about famous people who feel or felt the way I do, I usually become obsessed. I have recently discovered that “my” goals, were actually just what my parents wanted, that my whole life I’ve just wanted to please them.
For some reason I can’t step on cracks and lines in the sidewalk or on tile. I don’t know why, I just can’t. It feels unsafe and scary. I am terrified of elevators. I take stairs if possible. If not, I squat in the corner, and that makes me feel more safe. I have a hard time trusting people, in fact I don’t even trust myself. Sometimes I have trouble focussing on one thing for long periods of time. I don’t like public areas or speaking in class or even to classmates because I know I’ll say something stupid. I am fat and ugly and worthless, at least in my eyes.
I know I’ll never amount to anything. I resent people who try to “help” me, or counselors at school who think they know how it feels to be me. I hate many things. Hate, not dislike. My sister has Bipolar disorder (She’s my half sister, but my cousin on the side we share has it, too.) and I think maybe that puts me at risk for similar disorders, I’m not sure. I don’t know. I really don’t.
I just want to know what’s wrong with me, and if I can find someway to get help. I’m not sure what I’ll do…. or if I even will… Sometimes I feel like I’m just putting on a show, that I want attention, but that is just a sad hope. I long to be normal and interesting. I wish I could accomplish something. Anything. But I usually talk myself out of doing things like that, to excuse myself from the embarassment it’ll surely cause.
Something most people don’t know is the year after my house burned down and we moved (four hours away from everything I love) My grandmother died. She was like a second mother… ANd everyone acts like it was no big deal.. Am I a baby for feeling so crushed over it? Everytime I think of her there is this sharp pain in my chest and I usually cry for an hour… I remember her promise she never got to keep (“I’ll be right back, honey. I promise.”) and how she looked while she was in her coma.
It seems like I latch onto people I love and I fear their death. I frequently end up crying from the mere thought of my family dying. I have these images that feel forced inside my head of them dying, or getting hurt. I have a friend that verbally,emotionally, and occasionally physically abuses me, yet I can’t leave her. She’ll be moving and it is tearing me up. Am I insane for feeling so attached and loving to her? She’s nice a lot of the time, and she’s the onl one who truly understands me… I don’t know. I’m just in this war raging inside of me. All I want is answers. I hope someone can answer them. (Sorry for the lack of organization of my thoughts, I’m bad at keeping my thoughts together.)Something Is Wrong Inside Me!
Something Is Wrong Inside Me!
Hello and thank you for your letter:
It sounds like you are going through some horrible things right now and I’m sorry that you are suffering. I could say something stupid like, you’re young, you’ll be fine, but in all honesty, you won’t feel fine for awhile. You are confused, scared, angry, tired, and very, very depressed. Thoughts of killing yourself or someone else are normal when you are feeling this terrible. You are absolutely right in saying that you need help. You do need some professional help, and maybe even some medications. School counselors are good at what they can do, but they are often limited by time and the ability to prescribe medications.
You are just entering adolescence, the hardest part of your life, and to have it complicated by losing your beloved grandmother, your home, your friends, and all the pain you have suffered makes this time nearly unbearable. This time of your life is supposed to be about discovering life, yourself, and how to function in the real world. Unfortunately, right now you are grieving losses.
The good news is that you will work through these things. We never “get over” losses, but we grow through them. It will probably take another year, but things will begin to look better. You have every reason to be afraid of losing more people. You have learned too young and too deeply that tragedy can strike. It’s not fair, it’s really not. Being afraid of losing more things like your home, your friends and your family is a normal response to a very abnormal group of tragic events. That just makes us want to cling even more strongly to those things and people who are important to us. As far as being supportive, other family members and friends often don’t want to talk about things because they are hurting too. They fear opening up wounds that are just beginning to heal, and avoid discussion. Not healthy, perhaps, but a very common way of coping.
You mentioned the mood swings and the fear that you may be bipolar. It may be possible. But the only way that you will be able to find out is again, by going to a doctor. You should also get a medical checkup, since that can rule out things that can make you tired, etc. What I would suggest is that you ask your family to get you to a doctor who can diagnose what is going on with you and perhaps prescribe something that can help. A child psychiatrist would probably be best at this time, since your pediatrician probably doesn’t specialize in depression, loss and mood swings, let alone cutting.
Also, ask your parents if they will take you to a professional child therapist, and you can locate one in your area at Find A Therapist.
But, understand this: if you take one thing away from what I have written, I want you to know that you are NOT damaged. You are depressed, wounded, and very sad. But not damaged. You are a very bright (yes, I can tell by your writing), honest, good hearted young lady and you deserve the best help that professionals have to offer.
I hope this helps,
Dr. Diana Walcutt