The first thing you should do is stop listening to your friends and your husband. None of them are giving you good advice. There are many highly qualified family therapists in your city. Find one who specializes in families with adolescents and go – by yourself at first. You need the support and guidance of someone who has the training and experience to give you good help. Don’t try to get your daughter to go with you. It will only mean another fight. You and the therapist can strategize together how to engage her later on.
It seems to me that your daughter is pushing the limits and pushing them hard to see what will get her parents to work together to help her. She’s a bright, accomplished young woman who is playing a dangerous game to get your attention. Your husband may be a successful businessman but he isn’t a smart father. Children and teens don’t wait for it to be convenient for us to be their parents. Throwing money at the situation will only confirm for her that she’s not important enough to him to deal with personally.
As for you: Your relationship with your daughter needs healing, not hitting. Playing detective and making threats won’t bring you closer. Neither will shopping. She needs your time, attention, and sincere interest in her life. She needs you to love her, love her, love her – and to show her that you will continue to love her no matter what. The same goes for your younger daughter.
People don’t become gay because someone calls them names. People discover their sexuality; they don’t choose it. They especially don’t choose it as a reaction to someone else’s bad behavior. At 9 years old, your son is probably hurt more by his sisters ganging up on him than by what specifically they call him. That has to stop. Your therapist may be able to give you some ideas for that problem as well.
You made an important first step by writing to us here at Psych Central. Please take the next one. Find a family therapist and put in the time and the effort to save your family.
I wish you well.