Sick of Life
Suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder!! Sick of living this life! I am writing my problem in hope of finding some help/suggestions on how to live with my disorder. I have been diagonized with a combination of Generalized anxiety disorder and avoidant personality disorder. I am actually born and brought up in a small town in south India.My family is a traditional family but my dad wanted me to study well. So he din’t hesistate to educate me. From childhood onwards I am a loner. Nobody showed any interest in making friendship with me and if they do also it never lasted long. But my interaction with family members was ok and i somehow managed to live my life just by interacting with my dad and mom. They also know that I don’t have any close friends but they think that I din’t know how to make friends and it is my fault.My mom used to say I am an innocent fool.But they never thought that it is a disorder. I always used to cry alone to vent out my pain of having no friends. Infact girls who were my classmates used to treat me like a wierd animal. One girl who was my classmate became my friend and later she started making fun of me behind my back with other girls. My heart was broken at that time.But afterwards I tried to make friendship with many people but they simply ignored me.Imagine how painful it will be to go and come from college alone when everyone used to go and come in groups!!! I lost my trust on humans and started to feel why i was born!! I used to always study hard so that I can keep myself occupied. I was just leading my useless life till my marriage and my real problem started after marriage. I can say my husband is a psychopath and the same applies to his family members (his mother,father and elder sister). He and his family members started torturing me for everything. They physically and mentally abuse me. He found out that I don’t have any close friends to talk to and so he is treating me even worse. My parents are really orthodox and so they don’t want me to give divorce and come and live with them. My psycho husband always says I am a sick person who doesn’t have friends. I just went to a psychiatrist recently and she has diagonised that I have AvPD and GAD. I really want to get treated for this so that i can live like a normal human being in furture.I really want to get rid of my husband and his psycho family and want to live happily. But I can’t go to my parents because they are not going to accept me. I don’t have any friends either.I don’t know where to go and whom to rely on! I am on a Visa in USA and so my chances of living here forever and get treated are remote. I really like to live in USA because i am getting a better treatment as a human compared to what I got in India.In India people who are suffering from mental illnesses are not treated as humans. In my opinion it is a country full of selfish, narrow minded people who lack compassion. My husband and his family are classic examples.Just want to die rather than living this useless life!!
A. I know you are distressed but please do not give up hope. You are motivated to get help and that is very encouraging. The problem you are having is that you are not sure where to go for help or how to get it. The other issue is related to the fact that your family essentially does not believe in therapy and your husband mentally abuses you.
You recently visited a psychiatrist who was able to identify your diagnoses. My suggestion is that you speak to this psychiatrist about how to access therapy. The psychiatrist may be able to refer you to a therapist. I understand that your family may have a problem with this. If that is the case then you may have to hide the fact that you are in treatment. In some cultures, therapy is discouraged. I am not an advocate of lying but I understand that not everyone has an open mind or a healthy attitude toward therapy. There are certain times when lying is necessary and this may be one of those times.
I strongly believe therapy would benefit you. It could be empowering. A therapist may also help you through a divorce, should you decide to end your abusive marriage. Again, this would be going against what your family believes; however, it is important that you do what is in your best interest. Despite being abused, they want you to stay married simply because of cultural reasons. That is unacceptable. Divorce may or may not be right for you, but whether you pursue a divorce should be based on what is right for you, not on what your family and culture dictates you do.
If you cannot ask your psychiatrist for a referral, try searching this therapist directory. Contact at least 5 to 10 therapists and discuss your situation with them. You may want to look for therapists who are familiar with your culture. I am also concerned about the fact that you mentioned you would rather die than continue to live in your current living situation. If you are feeling suicidal please consider going to the emergency room. You could also contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 and speak to a counselor.
The last comment I want to make this: I know you are going through a very difficult time. You are feeling hopeless but please do not give up. You were able to see a psychiatrist. The next step is to contact a therapist or other mental health professional who can assist you. You can be helped. Please do not give up trying.
Randle, K. (2009). Sick of Life. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 20, 2017, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/09/12/sick-of-life/