You’ve experienced very difficult life circumstances. You have lost your grandmother who you’ve considered a mother. Fundamentally, she raised you. When she died it devastated you. Your parents have said and done hurtful things to you. They have harmed you both physically and emotionally. Undoubtedly, you’ve been through a lot.
You need to realize that your family would not be “better off without you.” I think sometimes people, teenagers especially, feel as though death is the only answer. Perhaps it’s a way to “pay back” those who they perceived have harmed them. The thinking is: “since they hurt me, they will feel terribly guilty knowing their actions caused me to kill myself.”
Perhaps there are others reasons. Individuals who conclude that death is the only answer to their problems are probably not aware of alternative methods of stress or emotional pain relief. They simply do not know another solution. There are many psychologically healthy ways to deal with pain and stress that don’t involve self-harm or ending your life but if an individual never learned these skills, then they simply don’t know any other way.
Learning new and better coping skills is possible for you but it’s going to take action on your part. It requires that you speak to an adult, whether it’s your parents or another trusted adult, about the fact that you need help.
It’s also important to understand that many teenagers feel the same way you do. This is not to discount your experiences or to say that your concerns are equal to those of anyone else. I only mention this because there are many teenagers who also feel they cannot connect with their parents. They also often feel nobody understands them and that their families would be better off without them. You are not alone in your pain.
Because you are having suicidal thoughts it’s imperative that you speak to a school counselor or another mental health professional as soon as possible. If those are not options for you please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255 and speak to a counselor.