I’m so very, very sorry that you feel so much pain and that you feel so very alone. I’m worried that you may be suffering from a significant depression. Many people don’t understand that depression can be experienced as irritability as well as sadness. You seem to have both. You also seem to be having trouble with knowing how to develop good friendships and how to find someone to love. It certainly makes sense to me that you feel so upset.
Please take some encouragement from the fact that you do have some friends. Many, many people are comfortable with a few good friends and don’t need or want more. The number of friends is not what matters. It’s the quality of the friendships. If you were seeing me for therapy, I’d want to talk about whether you are choosing the right people or if there is something about the way you are maintaining your friendships that isn’t working for you. I would also discourage you from trying to find a woman to rescue you from your despair. I think you need to work to be more whole and strong in yourself so that you can eventually find the kind of woman who will make a good partner for you.
I’m not familiar with what help is available in your country. If you were in the U.S., I would encourage you to seek out a counselor to help you sort through your feelings, to give you a place to feel heard, and to perhaps give you some coaching in how to have better relationships. If such help is available, I do urge you to use it.
If not, the Internet offers you help as well. There is a depression blog here at PsychCentral and there are depression helplines based in many countries.
You made an important first step in writing to me. I hope you will take the next one and find the support and practical help you need. Life really can and should be better than what you have now.
I wish you well.