One thing I noticed about your letter is that you’re very critical of yourself. You believe that you’re a failure and have ruined your life. This is negative thinking. You also seem to be engaging in a cognitive distortion that clinicians refer to as catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is an irrational thought that leads an individual to believe that his or her situation is worse than it actually is.
Recognize the fact that you may have these cognitive distortions. They are distortions of reality.
You are right about the fact that injuring your back was not your fault. Unfortunately, you realize this logically but you continue to believe it anyway. It’s important that you no longer give this thought any credibility. You can’t allow yourself to believe in things that you know are not true. You must force yourself to believe in only reality.
I recognize that you are stressed about these issues and understandably so but it’s important to keep a healthy and realistic perspective. You’re going through a difficult time but you can get through it. You keep telling yourself you can’t but you can. Life has ups and downs. This is probably not the first time you’ve experienced a difficult life situation and it will not be your last. Realize this is a “rough patch” and not your destiny. You can get through this. The proof is that you’ve done it before.
It also seems as though you’ve constructed a rather arbitrary sense of where you believe you ought to be in life based on (I’m assuming) what you’ve accomplished in the past. You believe that if you’re not doing exactly what you believe you “should” be, then you’re not doing well. In fact, according to your logic, if you’re not where you “should” be or want to be then you’re a complete failure. You’re not being fair to yourself if this is the type of thinking you are engaged in.
When you injured your back the first time you worked with a personal trainer and fully recovered. Why not try this strategy again? Not only did the personal trainer rehabilitate your back but you were also able to lose weight and get in shape. Is it possible for you to return to the same trainer or another one who is highly recommended? It worked for you in the past. It would be wise to try it again.
I would also recommend that you resume therapy. You didn’t have a good experience in the past but you should try again. You may not always need a therapist especially when you’re feeling better. For the time being it would be wise to seek guidance from someone who can help you while you’re trying to resume your life. I wish you well.