Lately, I’ve been thinking so much and I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been stressed out like crazy and it’s hard because at the same time, I’m taking summer school and have a midterm to worry about as well. The issue is, I’ve been dating a guy since high school and as of this year, it’s been 4 years since we were together. He was such a great guy and for the first 2 years, we hardly fight. Until after the 3rd year, for some reason I messed up the relationship (I admit) and I was seeing another guy. After the long-term boyfriend found out, he flipped and our relationship has become rocky since then. When he found out, he became suicidal and I felt really bad. I love him but I dont know if I should be with someone who feels suicidal. He claims that I am what keeps him alive. (He has serious medical issues and relies on medication everyday) So, I continued staying with him, lying that I am not seeing the other guy. Through our rough times, the long-term boyfriend made every effort to make me happy and for christmas, gave me a puppy. Despite what I’ve done to him, he continued loving me. As happy as I was, I was deeply guilty for hurting him and being with someone else. I dont know why I did this and I cried and cried constantly because I dont know the answers. I thought to myself, maybe he was too clingy? maybe I wanted to see how dating others would feel like? I don’t know. This has been dragging on for months, juggling between the 2 guys. The reason I stayed with the new guy was because he supported me with school, something the old boyfriend didn’t do. School is very important to me so that was something I really like. Until last week, all the secrets and lies I kept were finally exposed. My long-term boyfriend was upset and the other guy went ballistic. Until now, I look back at what I’ve done and I know what I did was wrong and I feel so worthless, pathetic, depressing, and just horrible. I became so depressed for hurting the two and hurting myself.
I was so hopeless of myself that I sought counseling at my school to help me. Crying my heart out, I admit to her what I did, I accepted my guilt, and I asked her how I can move on pass this. Now, I don’t know if I should be with him again. He knows that I lied and cheated, but he said he wants to be with me still because we have gone through so much together. Now that the relationship between the long-term boyfriend and I are literally hanging on a thread, I am starting to miss him like crazy and I am looking back at all the memories I had with him. It hurts me so bad that I did this to him–cheating on him. He spoils me with gifts, helps my parents when they need help, and was ALWAYS there for me. I had a reality check during this moment, and realized that I cheated was probably because I wanted something more, but he was too nice to me to let go. He did everything as a great boyfriend should, except we do not have the same ambitions. Only difference between me and him is, I go to a university, and he goes to a community college. I want to be successful and I want to be either a nurse or a doctor. He, however, does not know what he wants and is very lazy in school. I am still so young to be in this situation and stress out like this and I really do not know what to do at this point. If I do choose to be with him again, will this affect my future? Will we be the same like before? He does make me happy and I can not forget about him. Everywhere I go, everything I do, EVERYTYHING reminds me of him. I can’t continue everyday thinking about this while I have midterms and finals to study for. I created such a mess and I don’t know what to do. I am tired of crying everyday and it’s creating such a huge impact on myself, my self-esteem, and my education. Please HELP ME!