I am having problems, and I fear I may be autistic, but I can’t be sure. I have had psychological problems my whole life. I remember seeing a therapist or somebody at a very young age (maybe 5 or 6 years old), although I can’t really remember why. I have always been very quiet and reserved. I hated school more than most kids and it caused me many problems. I started seeing somebody again at the age of twelve or thirteen because of this. It was suggested to my mother at this time that I might be schizophrenic. In middle-school I remember taking antidepressants, but I stopped before starting high-school.
Most kids have problems adjusting to high-school, but my freshman year was perhaps the most productive year of my schooling. I got fairly good grades for the first time since sixth grade, but I only had a few close friends. During my sophomore year my friends started smoking pot, so, naturally, I began to also. My grades started slipping. My junior year was horrible. I started doing other drugs and I started to take anti-depressants again. I began abusing Ambien really bad. I would take anywhere form 7 to 14 at a time. I lost my virginity to a girlfriend, and after the relationship ended I stopped going to school. I ended up having to go to an alternative high-school, but I graduated early.
At the start of what was supposed to be my senior year I joined the Army. I scored very high on the ASVAB, and I signed to be a operating room technician in the army reserves. I made it through boot camp without any problems, and I graduated in the top ten percent of my OR Tech class. The end of my training consisted of nine weeks of hospital work. I participated in over 80 surgeries.
After my training had ended I moved back home with my parents and I got accepted into college. The summer before school began I moved into an apartment with a high-school buddy of mine. I hadn’t done any drugs since I joined the army, but occasionally I would drink beers. There were some pay problems with the military, and I couldn’t pay my half of the rent one month. For some reason, me and my roommate allowed another friend of ours to convince us that it would be a good idea to rob the bank that he worked at. To make a long story short, someone turned us in, and I ended up doing six months in jail. Jail was hard, but I didn’t get in any fights and nobody picked on me or anything like that.
That brings me to the present. I have been out of jail for three or four months now, but I am on probation. I haven’t had any problems staying sober. I haven’t done any drugs in two and a half years, and I the last time I had a drink was 8 or 9 months ago. Luckily, the Army did not discharge me and I still drill one weekend a month with my unit.
I have always had something wrong with me and I have always felt different. There have been times in the past where I have thought I was a paranoid schizophrenic. Other times I have been very depressed. But now I feel I might be autistic. I took the autistic quiz on this site and I got a 28. 30 was the score for possible autism. I have trouble keeping my fingers still. I pick at the skin around my nails constantly, even to the point in which they bleed. I have done this as long as I can remember. I also have always had terrible posture. People have commented that it looks as though I have a hunchback. I cannot tell if it is a physical problem or if it is psychological that I slouch to the point that I do. I also have noticed in the past couple years that I have a bit of a stutter. I will sometimes start saying a word, but for some reason it won’t come out, and I will have to say something else. It is not severe, and I am not sure if other notice it. Sometime I have trouble finishing a sentence, too. I suffer from sleep paralysis. Once or twice a week I have episodes where I am awake but unable to move. I have had problems with this for a couple years now.
I only have one or two friends that I see very rarely now. I live with my parents, I don’t have a job (other than the army drilling), and I don’t go to school. I get very lonely. I have always had trouble making friends and I don’t have very good social skills. I know I am smart (I took an IQ test recently and got a 136), but I feel stupid. I constantly regret the way I have acted and the things I have done. I have pretty low self esteem. I have problems connecting with people. I also have very, very few interests. I feel as if I can’t do anything well. I don’t feel like I am depressed though. It is very difficult to describe how I feel. I do have a family history of depression, and my grandmother was a paranoid schizophrenic.
What is wrong with me? What can I do to feel like I am normal? Should I seek therapy? It is hard to see why I am so messed up, when I have a VERY successful older brother who is finishing up his degree and has taken classes at Berkeley and Princeton. I would appreciate any help. Thank You.